promises to my daughter in a coffee shop

Dear daughter,

It’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a coffee shop thinking of you. I woke up and declared it was the perfect day to treat myself to brunch -- who knows how much longer I will have the luxury of alone time with your soon and imminent arrival! Saturdays will soon look quite different. So I got dressed (no easy feat these days), gawked at how big my bump is, kissed your daddy goodbye, and headed downtown. I wasn't the only one with this idea and therefore had to park a little farther from the cafe than I would have liked, but people keep saying, “walk that baby out” so I shrugged and rolled with it (and almost ate it tripping on a curb). I'll admit to you, I parked in two hour parking three hours ago…but I just can’t bring myself to walk back out in that heat at 39 weeks pregnant. So I'm crossing my fingers that I don’t have a ticket waiting for me. July in Virginia is no joke, you will learn. Pool parties for all your birthdays, deal? Deal.

There are more productive things I could be doing right now with a nursery to finish, closets to organize, errands to run, etc. etc. etc. but I’m told I should “rest” before you come, so I interpret that to mean camping out in a corner booth in a relaxing atmosphere to eat good food, drink an iced latte, and write with no agenda whatsoever. Go me! 

I ordered an avocado omelet with tater tots. The tater tots won me over. I’ve been craving potatoes like crazy while you’ve been growing. I’ve always been a french fry fiend (it will be EXTREMELY difficult to share them with you when the time comes), but it's expanded to the dangerous -- loaded baked potatoes, hash browns, kettle cooked chips, anything! I've heard about strange cravings... like the women who want to eat paint or something. I’ve just had sudden urges for really yummy things... gummy candies or corn dogs or soft pretzels or buttery biscuits or FRUIT. ALL THE FRUIT.

I wonder what foods will be your favorite. Your dad already discusses (with glee) all the blended concoctions he is planning to make you. Your weekly menu will probably be more sophisticated than ours. I wonder if you will love brunch as much as me. If you will request breakfast for dinner or take pride in making and savoring that wonderful morning meal. I can almost imagine your eyes lighting up when your daddy says waffles or donuts are in order. We've been talking about all the weekend traditions we will start. We’re waiting for you to be be a part of all the memories from here on out, which is so exciting for me. It feels like everything is a suspended breath before you show up.

This coffee shop keeps playing the best music. “XO” by John Mayer, “Heartbeats” by Jose Gonzalez, “Here Comes The Sun” by the Beatles, "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Your daddy and I love music. Back when we were dating, we made each other mix CDs full of all our favorite songs and we’d give them to each other to play in our cars nonstop. You won’t know what a CD is…and cars aren’t made with CD players anymore, but don't worry, we’ll be sure you know all the songs we love. I can’t wait to see you bop your head, clap your hands, dance to the beat, and even SING along! Family dance parties will be a common occurrence and I think you've been getting a head start by practicing your moves from the womb. Maybe you've been eavesdropping on what we've been playing. I created a playlist called "For My Daughter" full of soft ballads that I think will serve us both well during nighttime feedings and nap times. You will find I make playlists for everything and I only thought it fitting that you have your very own -- an initiation to the Rothwell Square, if you will. I think you'll like it. I think it will suit you.

One bad thing about being in one place for a long time while pregnant: the amount of times you have to get up to pee, and the people around who definitely begin to notice. As I walk past, they look up from their coffees, glance from my belly to my face and offer up a smile, or the bolder ones will ask my due date and consecutively exclaim, “you can’t be five days away!” I just nod and smile politely because what do you say to that?!

The doctors say you’re a little thing. At one point, you were in the 8th percentile for growth! Will you fit into any of the clothes we have for you? They also say not to worry (or buy preemie clothes) because you will grow fast, which is both a relief and a reminder to truly cherish you in all your newborn deliciousness. You'll change everyday and the days will race by and soon you’ll be wearing makeup and getting your driver’s permit. Okay, okay…I’m getting ahead of myself. One look at the newborn size diapers and I’m put back in place. But even those seem SO SMALL. I can’t imagine a human with a tooshie that little! 

There’s a lot I try to imagine; there’s so much I wonder about you. Yesterday during an ultrasound the technician said she saw little hairs on your head. It’s a good thing because with this heartburn, I’m nearly convinced you’re Rapunzel in there! We wonder if you’ll have dark hair like daddy or light hair like mama. Will you arrive late like I always am? Or will you be reliable, prompt, and predictable like dad? I could sit in this coffee shop all day and dream about you. Downing one choco-nut mocha after another…or maybe not because I’m not supposed to have that much caffeine while you're still in there! I try so hard to understand what it will be like to hold you in my arms, but it's been 39 weeks and 2 days of you and me like this, your tiny frame nestled in mine, that anything else doesn't seem possible. 

We promise to love you. We promise to do our best to anticipate your needs and ease you into the rhythms of our life. We want to share it all with you. We promise not to slow down, but to keep moving forward with a new sidekick for all our adventures. You'll fit right in. Like you were always meant to be there. We promise to let you change us. To let you stretch us and teach us about sacrifice, selflessness, and surrender. Pretty soon my body will no longer be your home and we promise to give you a good new home, a soft place to land, somewhere you'll love and long to be.

Right now, you're a little mystery kept safely under my ribs, but I'll work everyday to learn everything there is to know about you. I'm proud of the way the ligaments in my body have stretched to accommodate you -- my mind and soul with it as I ready myself to be your mother. I promise my patience and I promise you peace. I won't be superwoman and I won't be perfect, but I will be your normal. I will be your comfort. For a time, I will be your sustenance. And I will be perfect for you. 

I promise to breathe through the tough moments in our first weeks together and exhale kisses onto your cheeks a billion times a day. I promise to get stronger, get more comfortable, and get some sleep...eventually...for both our sanities. I promise to ache when you ache and laugh when you laugh. I promise to put you first, to sacrifice so you can flourish. I promise to teach you things -- even the hard things -- when the lessons are hard for you and hard for me -- because we will both get better, and I will learn with you. I promise to stay grateful, to not take you or this gift of motherhood for granted. I promise to love your dad and model the respect he deserves so you will learn to give it too. I promise to be present. I promise to celebrate you well. I promise to grow with you. And when the time comes, I even promise to share my french fries with you.

I love you so much, my daughter.

xoxo,

mom

babymoon bliss

If you know me and Ben, you know we love to travel! We've had the privilege to do this so much throughout our marriage due to Ben's benefits working with Hilton hotels. It's a sweet side gig that can get us hotel stays for such an affordable price! We've always loved the fun of planning our next adventure, mapping it out, making a playlist, finding fun places to explore, documenting everything with #rothwellroadtrip, and getting away from the routine for a few days to just BE and have FUN.

Family vacations were a huge part of my childhood. I have such sweet memories of summer road trips where we entertained ourselves in our 15 passenger van by playing the license plate game and convincing my mom for more snacks (she always had stashes and stashes, but rationed them out so meticulously!) We would stop at rest stops and picnic in the pavilions...the boys would play football, the girls would play with the babies. We'd pass the time and the miles by journaling and reading Anne of Green Gables and listening to our portable CD players. We'd cheer and holler when my parents announced Olive Garden for our dinner break, piling into the restaurant after hours cooped up in the car and my parents would smile apologetically at our servers and tip a little extra for the cranky kids. I still don't know why Olive Garden of all places was such a favorite. Probably because we could eat as much as we wanted with unlimited bread for the boys and salad for the girls. We'd whine when my Dad would insist we were not stopping to pee...again. We'd inevitably fight over someone's feet on our seat or someone drinking the last capri sun. We'd overnight in cities I wanted to live in like Nashville and NYC, my adventurer's heart leaping and soaring as we pointed out landmarks from the windows and walked streets that seemed larger than life to my adolescent soul. I've always dreamed about making similar memories with my future family. And Ben and I look forward to all the adventures to come for our family in our new Ford Explorer -- with our "The Explorers" playlist. Filled with all our favorite music, it will carry us from destination to destination with our precious baby girl in the backseat. Bliss...

But before we plan these trips for three, we decided to prioritize one last hoorah just the two of us...a little babymoon before baby comes to crash join the party! Last summer, we spent a beautiful week in a cabin on the lake in Michigan (courtesy of our very gracious and hospitable honorary parents) and as we talked about babymoon destinations (most tropical places were ruled out because of the zika virus), we knew this little slice of heaven would be the perfect place to relax and reconnect before our world turns upside down in the best of ways.

We kept our pace pretty slow most days, but sprinkled in a few day trips to get out and about. The beautiful cabin we stayed in is nestled right on Hamlin Lake, a quiet lake that's connected to Lake Michigan. We were 5 miles down a dirt road and 30 miles from any real civilization. It was fun to stock up on groceries and make yummy meals between lounging on the dock or cozying up by the fire. The roof of the cabin was lined with large skylights and we'd literally sit in the living room and watch the sun move across the floor all afternoon as we read, talked, drank coffee, and watched sports (haha). Our bedroom was in the loft of the cabin and felt a little like a dreamy treehouse surrounded by the woods and water. The bed was topped with a beautiful homemade quilt (shout out to Mama Judy) that added SUCH charm while the mattress sunk in just a enough where we'd wake up every morning cuddling in the middle of the bed. I won't complain about THAT! We slept in, kept the windows open, and let the lake sounds act as the BEST white noise ever.

For fun, we visited nearby cities for shopping, coffee, and some exploring! We loved strolling main street in Manistee -- a quintessential American street that raves antique shops, book stores, fabric stores, bakeries, ice cream shops, and even an old dime store! The shops sit adjacent to the Manistee Riverwalk that leads right onto the beautiful beach of Lake Michigan where there are parks, picnic pavilions, and a lighthouse! It was too cold to swim, but this is a definite for next time. Best part about swimming in Lake Michigan? NO sharks and NO salt water!

We took another little road trip to Traverse City. Such a cool place with tons of little gems to enjoy....complete with a free wifi network for the whole city. We started with coffee (of course) from BLK / MRKT, a beautiful warehouse coffee shop with lots of windows, greenery, and black & white aesthetic (my love language)...it's also attached to a plant shop where you can build your own terrariums! Afterward, we walked around downtown...and squealed a little at every children's boutique we stumbled across (there were a lot and we had to practice a lot of restraint). We lunched at a YUM comfort food restaurant called Harvest where Ben declared he ate the best chicken sandwich he's ever had (yes, better than chick-fil-a). Originally a food truck, they just opened their new space that has the best atmosphere, local sodas, and a daily changing menu. We loved it...just wish I could experience their weekend brunch. Next time! Another place we highly recommend is a cute espresso bar / bakery / cafe called Morsels. This shop overlooks the West Grand Traverse Bay and offers gorgeous views of the water. It has the most DELICIOUS bite-sized baked goods -- both sweet and savory -- that are the perfect little treat after walking and shopping. The coffee is amazing and the breakfast/lunch menu looks just as good.

It was kind of surreal-- we were just the same old Ben and Destiny -- on just another trip together -- until we'd remember we're not -- and we weren't. At times, it felt so unseen, the impending change, until we'd look at my baby bump and then each other with a "this is it" look in our eyes. The ending to an era...and the start of the best one yet. This season that has lasted 8 years (four dating, four married) is coming to a close and while the flow of the trip felt like any other, the feeling of the trip felt entirely different. There was a special "make the most of it" attitude as we ventured together, stayed up late together, and made no plans together. There was the hope of so much more just weeks away from us that actually made us eager to go home (to nest, hello!). There was a flicker in our spirits as we drove our new "family car" and imagined it being full of coos, cries, and cuteness. There was a definitive "YOLO" feeling as we drove to the water to watch the sun set at 9:32pm, taking our shoes off and putting our toes in the wet sand where the waves crawled back and forth (people say we'll likely be in bed by this time in a year from now).

Our conversations shifted with new flavor and different timbre....parenting, retirement, budgets, strollers. Should we do a diaper subscription? How many bows are too many, I mean really? Will our daughter have brown or blue eyes? When will we allow her to get her first cell phone? Should we set up a trust fund for her?! And so on. We talked while sunbathing on the dock by the water, listening to echoes of children's laughter and squeals floating through the breeze from their nearby cabins, canoes, and boats. I bet this is their favorite place on earth, I thought. I bet all their best memories are here. We'll bring her here, we decided. She'll love this little haven up north where you wade out to giant sand dunes and take a boat across the lake to get pizza from a waterfront dive.

We sat with our feet dangling off the dock, enjoying the coolness of the water, breathing in the quiet, knowing uninterrupted calm and relaxation will soon become rare commodities. Reminded of that sentiment every time speed boats and jet skis sliced through the glass-like surface of the lake, causing wind and ripples to sweep toward us, folding over our ankles with a gentle splash. Things will be so different. Life will be so fast. Stillness will be interrupted by the unexpected "suddenly" like these boats cutting across the water with loud motors announcing their arrival. Zooming past us...the way moments become memories before you're ready and you're left in the foam of the wake, trying to hang on to everything.

In just a few weeks, what's known will be replaced with the unknown, which will eventually become the known again.

And it's too weird and wonderful to figure out.

So we just sat there.

Our hearts resting in the moment with our feet in the water and our dreams somewhere in the clouds.

 

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pregnancy musings

Here I am. Trying to figure it out. Everything is intensifying -- time, bump, anticipation, preparation...it's like I can't keep up with the thoughts that run through my head each day. And my mind doesn't have the option of stopping for breath like this preggers does when climbing a flight of stairs. It just runs wild with....well, everything. Like how I'm going to go from "Destiny" to "Mama." How I'm going to carry the responsibility of raising another human life. How I'm going to manage and control the amount of love that's inevitably poised to overwhelm me the moment I meet her. How I'm going to do all...that...laundry. How I'm going to face failure. How I'm going to feed and pump and sleep and work and be a wife. How I'm going to make sure she wears every outfit before she outgrows it. How I'm going to handle (survive?) this little person exiting my body. How I'm going to fit back into my jeans. How I'm going to parent this way or that way...and choose not to be pressured one way or another from outside people. How I'm going to know what to pack in my hospital bag. How I'm going to keep the house clean and tidy...or resign myself to just letting it be. How I'm going to endure the long nights with a newborn. How I'm going to still have time to love my husband the way he deserves. How I'm going to know what to do when I just don't. How I'm going to fit everything she needs into our little home. How I'm going to make sure we even get everything she needs before she arrives! How I'm going to fulfill those intimidating to-do lists that fill my head, bleed over onto a million notepads, and make my husband's eyes go saucer-like and silently scream, are you kidding me right now?! How I'm going to just CALM DOWN AND RELAX ALREADY.

And while it's scary, some part of me reminds me that it's part of what I was looking for in motherhood -- challenging myself. Finding strength for myself. Pushing through boundaries. Changing what I believe is possible for me. And asking myself daily how I can be better. Because this little girl deserves the very best version of me. I'm determined not to lose the wonder of what's happening right now. The honor of carrying her. Discovering what I'm capable of. Sacrificing as much as necessary for someone so precious and tender and fragile and helpless. I want to do my best to live in the moment.

So I still stop whatever I'm doing to feel that baby kick. Every single time. And with every kick, I feel a greater sense of purpose. I've never felt more purpose than now. I'm growing a whole new life -- lungs, cells, joints, eyelashes for goodness sake -- a life that may one day also grow another life! What a beautiful, beautiful part I get to play in the building of future generations. And isn't that what it's about? The legacy. The way God has appointed me and Ben to love, nurture, and teach this little girl with the most conviction and consistency we can muster. The way he has called us to invest faith and infuse courage into her small, yet mighty life.

thanks to my SIL for these photos!

Yes, I want to be a good mother. So naturally I want all the tangibles to show it. But what I'm realizing I need more is the Holy Spirit to empower me with the intangibles: grace, peace, compassion, patience, strength, resolve, grit, courage, kindness. These are the things she will see in me. These are the things I want to teach her. These are the things that will make the biggest difference as she grows into who God has already designed her to be. What a privilege I have -- getting to partner with him in helping her reach her ultimate destiny. And I desperately want to carry that mantle with honor and diligence.

So when it feels like this child is using my bladder as a trampoline or when my nerves go wild or when my face breaks out and everyone says "you're glowing!!" (but I know the truth) or when we buy yet another bottle of Tums or when I get overwhelmed with nursery decor or labor unknowns or the best stroller on the market or what clothes still fit me (or don't)...I want to lean on Jesus to help me see past the temporary and give me the courage to instead set my eyes on the eternal. How I'm a part of building the future. How I'm becoming my own kind of generation shaper by becoming a mother.

xoxo,

Destiny

presently preoccupied.

Her arrival. The short window we have left until we meet her. And all that had yet to be done or processed or felt.

It all seems so massive. Like none of the details can be forgotten or brushed aside. Because she is so precious and tender and fragile and helpless that I feel I can't drop any ball because what if it affects her wellbeing? I keep worrying about every little thing as if she will notice or care right off the bat. Mentally going through scenarios, amazon orders, and corners that still need cleaning. I try to soak in the present, but eventually throw my arms up exasperated because I'm just so preoccupied by the future -- the future that my snug maternity pants are telling me is coming very soon. I know seasoned moms (and-- let's face it -- everyone else) will read this and think, bless her little heart, and I get that I'm overthinking everything and need to live in the moment more. Normally I do! I'm not much of a planner -- I'm impulsive & spontaneous, forever the optimist. The typical "it'll all work out, be patient, trust the process, enjoy the ride" girl. But being pregnant, I feel so unlike myself -- wary, nervous, scattered, and unsure. This emotional frenzy is what drives those intimidating to-do lists that fill my head, bleed over onto a million notepads, and make my husband's eyes go saucer-like and silently scream, are you kidding me right now?! 

Or is this just what nesting feels like and it's all fine?

Send help.

Sincerely,

overly paranoid pregnant woman

so we're having a baby....

It was Thanksgiving morning and we were in Canada. My aunt's kitchen was a flutter as people chopped potatoes, peeled carrots, dressed the turkey, and prepped pies for our massive feast. I remember realizing on the road trip that I was late, but I couldn't possibly be pregnant. It's one of those things...I just couldn't envision myself with a bump, waddling around eating everything in sight and making a birth plan!

Thanksgiving...moments before our "WHAT IF" convo

I have a husband who is very attentive and observant. And in Ben fashion, apparently he was tracking better than I was (eyeroll). Amidst the frenzy in the kitchen, he tugged on my arm and nodded toward the quiet hallway. As soon as we were alone, he pulled me into his arms and whispered, "I think we're pregnant." I didn't really know what to say...I half denied, half hoped, half mumbled something about how we couldn't really be sure yet. I mean, I didn't FEEL pregnant. I felt totally normal.

Famous last words...

Two mornings later, we were getting ready for our road trip home. Ben was in the bedroom, I was in the bathroom. Suddenly -- and it was very suddenly -- I felt strangely nauseous and lightheaded. I called to Ben and in the 8 seconds it took him to get to the bathroom, I was already sprawled out on the floor, leaning over the toilet. Our eyes met, but neither of us said anything....he just rubbed my back and I frantically willed myself to feel better. We had a 10 hour drive ahead of us with my entire family!

Between Tim Horton's coffee stops (where the thought of coffee made me gag... THE HORROR!) and the unanimous Wendy's choice for lunch (where I reluctantly ordered a small order of fries), I somehow, by God's grace, managed to appear calm and collected -- and normal -- the entire trip.

We arrived home around midnight and our suitcases had barely hit the floor when Ben announced: "I'm going to run to the store really quickly." No explanation. He just flew out the door. I was so exhausted I didn't really question it -- or put two and two together. I was nearly in bed when he got home. (yes, I was that clueless and that tired!)


He came back with a pregnancy test. I hadn't ever seen him like this -- giddy and a little apprehensive. Excited, yet anxious. His eyes were dancing. He couldn't wait....not until morning, not for 5 minutes. I took the test and we waited. I think Ben even set the timer on his phone. Five minutes. The longest five minutes ever.

Two pink lines. We gasped. We rubbed our eyes and looked again. I stared, analyzing the lines. Are we 100% sure we see TWO LINES?! 110% sure? Is this real?! We hugged and laughed. We cried a little. We started and stopped sentences...unable to coherently form words. It was past midnight with a long day of church ahead, but suddenly we weren't tired anymore. We sat on the couch for the better part of an hour and started dreaming...calculating our due date...listing off names...speculating about the future. One moment we'd be rambling a mile a minute and the next we'd just stare at each other incredulously, mouths agape, eyes welling up in tears, smiling like dummies. PARENTS. US! A BABY. OUR OWN!

It wasn't long after we found out we were pregnant that we found out we both secretly wanted a girl...it was sometime after Ben burst out with, "I just want to be a girl daaaaad!!" But honestly, I didn't really have any "feeling" or "inkling" about the gender until the morning of our gender reveal -- the party we planned with our family where we'd discover if this little human was a he or she. I opened my eyes that Monday morning and my immediate thought was: "it's a girl...I just know it." Sure enough, I bit into that cupcake, saw the pink frosting, and I don't think I've ever felt a stronger feeling of IDENTITY -- not necessarily for myself, but for her. I felt like she was KNOWN. Known by me -- her mother. No longer just "our baby" but now the promise of "our daughter." Suddenly, this little "she" inside my belly was her. And it had always been her. She was marked by God to be the little her who would give us a whole new role and responsibility in this life...a whole new path and privilege...a whole new meaning and motivation.

big thank you to my sister-in-law for these photos!!!        

Over the past 20 weeks, there have been SO many emotions / thoughts / feelings running through my mind (as is the case with any pregnant woman). It's absolutely CRAZY that there's a date on the 2017 calendar that will change my entire world. Every time I check the expiration date of something in my pantry or fridge and it says July 2017, I catch my breath a little: she'll be here. What will it be like?  We won't be able to eat this BBQ sauce...must finish before then! Kidding...but only a little. It's looming, her arrival. Her joining our family. Her little presence filling our home. Looming. In a good way, but also in a totally scary way. This anticipation and expectation so closely intertwined with uncertainty and wonder and questions. I literally don't know anything about her...I just know she's coming...and that I already love her in a way I didn't think possible. And that's an intimidating, yet exhilarating place to be.

Now, everything we do is in light of her arrival. We laugh at ourselves and how much we have shifted and changed already to consider her. And it's silly things. Ben will be a Dad -- and by golly, he'll be a strong one! He started a 91 day workout plan and sticking to it like a PRO, determined to be in "shape" for this new role. As far as for me...I am growing this little life and by golly, I will sit on the couch with a heating pad and cheez it crackers designing her nursery and making this home the ULTIMATE haven for our sweet girl. She consumes our plans, our thoughts, our conversations. Isn't it amazing that a person so small can have such a big impact? Right now she's the size of an ear of corn -- corn! Only 9 inches long. Yet our hearts are already bursting as she fills up every nook and crevice.

We thank Jesus for this miraculous gift and we feel so underserving of his TRUST in us! We pray that with HIS strength and guidance, we will be equipped for the task of raising a true warrior of the faith and magic maker of this world.


xo,

Destiny


We don't take this opportunity and responsibility lightly -- or for granted. We know many couples who are still waiting to celebrate as are are and we remember them every time we pray over this tiny life. God has not forgotten you and we have not given up believing in his miracles!