Letter to my girls from 2020

Dear Darcie & Banks,

Happy new year, baby girls. 

And boy, aren't we happy to have made it through this one.  

What a wild, whirlwind, keep-you-guessing, leave-you-breathless year 2020 proved to be. You'll read so much about it in your history books, but I want you to know from my heart to yours: this year was truly a gift to live because nearly every waking moment was spent with you. Every. waking. moment.

I won't lie and say there weren't rough spots. Moments where your dad's and my emotional, physical, mental strength reserve tanks were running on near empty. Moments where we cried over what we saw on the news or sat up late into the night talking about what in the world was happening in our world. Moments where we had to let go of things we hold dear or throw our hands in the air at a loss for how to get through. Feeling stuck, even frozen in time, which resulted in bickering and debating and challenging and making up and saying sorry.  I remember moments of saying no to worry and yes to trusting God. And then moments where the stillness seemed to swallow us. 

Yes. The price of this pandemic has taken its toll on everyone. Everyone has felt its effects and navigated its damage. Everyone has had to process and grieve in their own way. 

But somewhere in the middle, specifically in mid-April as the flowers bloomed and spring brought fresh life, I was reminded to be gentle with myself even in the struggle. Because growth is there. And when you power through with grit, you get to see the growth. So I resolved to stop resisting stillness. Stop fighting the gift of slowing, listening, and learning. Loosening my grip meant readjusting goals, plans, trips, birthdays, and my overall outlook on life. 

But my pandemic practice took form and eventually became my mantra. Pause, ponder, & pray. So much was uncertain this year, but there were certain GIFTS in the midst of it all and certainly a God above it all. Open ears and heart. Stop and savor the present. Lean into emotions. And make prayer my go-to, not my last resort. I started praying more over your lives. Over your dad. Over our family and friends and friends of friends. Over our next steps and business plans and dreams and finances. I started believing for provision and favor. I started the shift in my perspective. Pause. Ponder. Pray. 

In January of 2020, one year ago, I decided to start a gratitude journal. I had no idea what was coming. Or to what extent my gratitude would be tested. It was a bit of a whim. I wanted to get back to writing things down, but I knew I couldn't consistently keep up with anything too commitment heavy. And while I used to keep journals, I haven't in years. But I felt a nudge to be acutely aware of my abundance going into 2020. To write down the gifts and help center myself in the ebbs and flows of life. And of course, now I know why. 

One year later. I've learned to count my blessings instead of counting my losses. I enjoy adding up gifts instead of adding up risks. I continually purpose to choose prayer instead of panic. And I focus on delighting in the little things within my home instead of dreading the big things out there in the world. 

The best beauty exists and is encapsulated within our little home. Home became everything. And you, Darcie and Banks, were everything to us. There was quiet in the world. All kinds of delicious quiet. 

And quiet became our friend. Stillness our everyday rhythm. Patience became our practice. Contentment became our joy. Your amazing dad helped me get through. I leaned on him at the end (and during every waking moment, let's be honest) of my every day. On days when I felt down, he had that extra pep in his step to make another day another adventure with you girls. He and I became a team. We worked together and picked up the slack for one another. We learned how to co-parent two little toddlers. And we made it.

Along the way, we also saw how amazing our little toddlers actually are.

You were our perpetual bright spot. Our shining light. The glue that stuck us all together. Your smiles when we needed them, bouncy personalities that snapped us from the couch into dance parties, and eager eyes full of unconditional love. You didn't let the wear & tear of 2020 wear you down. In fact, you were oblivious to the weight of this year and instead, helped us as mom & dad weather it with grace. Because we had you. You were resilient, optimistic, and flexible. The world asked children to do hard things this year. And I'm so proud we all made it together. I realized how much FUN we're capable of having every single day for like an entire year. The four of us. We did it. 

There is peace knowing that if all material goods or comforts were stripped away, it would still be okay because my heart remains here with you. And I am happy.  

And you are happy. And that's what matters. 

Your tiny lives. The tiny balls of energy that constantly brought us back to laughter, wonder, tickles, routine, play, teething, and teaching one another how to fully love life -- amidst a pandemic & all. 

Cheers to 2021. To a hopeful future, a new little sister, travel & parties & playgrounds & a fresh start. And yet still protecting that stillness...sacredly shared between us. 

I love you,

Mama

life tips for my rothwell girls

Just some thoughts on a random Friday while I'm sitting in a coffee shop. Your Dad is home with you both after he told me to get some "me time." And of course I spend it thinking about you. About the lives ahead of you...what I wish for you to know, carry with you, cultivate. 

Here are some life tips from my heart to yours.

Rule your spirit.

You have what it takes to think clearly, exercise self-control, & rise above self-pity.

Make a bucket-list.

Give thought to the big & small things you want to experience in this life. You'll feel so satisfied when you check things off.

Send thank you notes.

It's a small yet thoughtful gesture that speaks volumes. 

Make faith, integrity, and courage the themes of your life. 

Do the right thing even when the right thing is hard. Always remember the one who gives you the strength in the margin. Don't fumble through with uneasiness, but instead rest EASY in the one who goes before you. 

Care about grammar. 

Learn the difference between they’re, their, and there. 

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.

Let go of what people think of you. Love hard and without discrimination. 

Be slow to offense.

And quick to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

Strong is the new pretty.
Take care of your body, but do not obsess over it. Eat what you want without fear while always considering foods that fuel you. 

Make a habit of praying every morning for favor, anointing, and wisdom.

We've prayed it over you since you were born. You'll see doors open and God will give you the wisdom to know which ones to walk through.

Be others-oriented.
Make the nobodies become great somebodies. Don't underestimate kindness.

Know you're accountable for apologizing.

It's on you. Humility is important. Love keeps no records of wrongs.

Be teachable.
You're a student long after your school years.

Use your ears more than your mouth.
Listen, learn, think, observe. Wisdom lives there.

Find a man like your Dad.
I'm praying God replicates him just right for you. Be patient & don't rush into any relationship you don't feel peace about. And it's okay to openly compare him to the amazing men in your life...it just might provide some relief and clarity. 

Pay attention to your emotions. 
Feel what you feel. What is God saying through these feelings? Or in spite of them?

Let prayer do the heavy lifting.
Do not be anxious about anything...trust in your maker who holds it all together. Pray, pray, pray.

Laughter is medicine.

Be joyous. Smile whenever you can. Find people who make you laugh, refresh your mood, and lighten your load.

Be a leader, not a follower.

Don't follow the crowd, don't take your queue from culture. Don't let others determine your choices, your values, your likes/dislikes. The best leaders are great followers, but they discern the difference between who they should follow and who they should lead. 

Use your manners, common sense, and problem solving skills. 

This is SO important to your Dad. I know he will be a great teacher in these areas so you become ole pros. 

Friends come & go, family will always be family.

You've got a really big one and they're really the best. Never take them for granted.

Review & name your blessings.
Even the most common & ordinary. Gratitude gives you grace for what isn't & a contented grip on what is. 

Look forward to tomorrow.
No matter what happened today. Tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in it yet.

Seek out people different from you.
Diversify your life. You'll be a better you if everyone around you doesn't look or think like you.

Be well-rounded & well-traveled. 

Go places, pursue hobbies, develop a skillset, value education, read books, watch documentaries, try new things, embrace new cultures, go on adventures, don't believe everything on the internet. 

Be a dreamer & a planner too. 

Find what lights up your soul, believe in yourself, make a plan, then a plan B and C, then work hard.

2019 in 365 seconds

Isn't it wonderful to know some of the best days of our lives are still ahead of us?

I documented the year we welcomed our newest daughter by taking 1 second video clips everyday, then compiled them using this app. This project was actually a New Years resolution and I'm proud I stuck with it!! I'm posting late, but since 2020 has been crazy so far, it's nice to revisit memories that bring joy while reminding myself that no season lasts forever. I'm deciding to continue this project this year -- 1 second clips to time capsule these quiet days at home. I think I'll appreciate them someday.

I encourage you to find ways to document these strange times. Pictures of your kids printed out, quarantine crafts saved, songs or poems written, videos created, gardens planted, letters written, journal entries to look back on, baby books completed. Tap into your own creativity! Don't simply exist, but choose to experience.

So here's to the little moments, the glimpses beyond the highlight reel, the growth & change that happen in the day in and day out, the way our lives strand together to create one story laced with beautiful, funny, and tragic moments.

And may we embrace the right now so one day we'll look back on 2020 and remember it fondly.

count your blessings not your losses

It's 2020 & the world is unlike anything we've ever known. It's strange & scary & surreal. And it seems selfish how much time we have together -- our little family. Everyday another day just us, isolated from what's going on out there. From the sickness, the empty streets and closed shops, the healthcare heroes who are leaving their families everyday to care for others. The simplicity of what our day-to-day life looks like now is too standard in the face of a pandemic. Waking up, wondering if we should have eggs or granola or both. Deciding between a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings marathon. Figuring out how to spend another day occupying a toddler and baby. Getting to spend every waking (& sleeping) moment with Ben. Baking, board games, cleaning out the garage, finally painting the kitchen cabinets. Being home in a house we love so much. The inside is insulated. But the chaos from the outside comes calling. The bad news we're bombarded with, the restlessness, the regulations, the confinement, the questions.

Last week, our governor announced a "temporary stay at home" order we all knew was coming. But the date "June 10th" took the wind out of my I-can-do-this-quarantine thing sails. Suddenly, I found myself grieving the small stuff...easter egg hunts, sundays in church, Banks' first birthday party, more time away from family & friends, Busch Gardens trips, farmers market mornings, Darcie's ballet classes, traditions put on hold, vacations cancelled.

It's crazy how quickly we forget how fortunate we are that the most we're being asked to do is stay home.

SO. I'm shifting my perspective. Choosing faith when fear comes sweeping in, when financial strain adds burdens. Choosing to smile at simple things and see that there's joy to be found in these jumbled and disrupting times.

Focus on the gifts instead of the risks, I tell myself. The moments of gratitude that bring calm and somehow burry the concern, if only for a few moments. I'm learning to see these, soak in these, and surrender the rest.

We are told to stay home to save lives. So here we are. On day 21 of quarantine in our house on Cranefield Place. So I'm counting blessings instead of counting my losses.

What I'm certainly grateful for in the midst of uncertainty:

- our new routine where we shut our laptops at 4:30pm and enjoy a family walk around the neighborhood

- not wearing make up 

- slowing down

- technology to connect with friends & family

- my job

- baking my mom's cranberry muffins that remind me of childhood

- getting outside everyday

- the blessing. on repeat (& Banks singing & swaying during "aaaaamen")

- buffalo chicken tacos

- every other dinner Ben has cooked the past two weeks
- church at home on my couch with coffee (never have I been more proud to be part of such a beautiful, strong, resilient, and unstoppable force called THE CHURCH)

- Darcie's first night in her bunk bed

- losing so badly at scrabble

- worship playlists (my favorite one HERE)
- healthcare professionals, first responders, military, teachers, and essential workers
- refinancing and saving on our mortgage in the the ACTUAL nick of time
- fancy tea parties at home with DJ and her dolls she calls kids

- our pristine duvet cover after bleaching it for the first time since being married

- Darcie telling me Banks is her "best fend" 

- a husband that hustles however he can in order to provide

- songwriting with Ben and his guitar
- uber eats

- my girls in matching pink overalls
- little pick-me-ups like a new plant in the mail or a good jam song

- empty beaches & sandy toes
- movie nights cuddled up on the floor in a sleeping bag with Darcie, pizza, and popcorn
- picking wildflowers on our walks
- the pride on Banks' face (and mine) when she finally learns how to pull up!
- Ben bringing coffee to my bed every morning
- time for us to talk and dream and argue
- reading this book every night before bed, which is quoted by the 2 year-old in its entirety
- national burrito day and free delivery at chipotle
- our double stroller

- new leaves on my fiddle leaf fig
- staying organized and nutritious with my handy dandy meal planner
- quaran-tune sessions with the newly assembled family band
- sleeping in while Ben gets breakfast for the girls
- zoom meet ups

- a warm slice of fresh baked bread with butter & jam
- watching spring unfold before our eyes
- waves from strangers and kind smiles in our neighborhood
- sister group chats where we exchange recipes, scriptures, memes, attempted new hobbies, and solidarity
- PJs all day
- teaching DJ the life skill and love language of homemade pizza
- love notes to the girls
- psalm 91 and psalm 42
- the smell of fresh cut grass
- Darcie's growing vocabulary & the way she definitively says "yeah. I fink so." when she's pleased with the choice she made
- the swing on our magnolia tree in the front yard
- snuggles on the couch watching Bluey when all else fails and we just. need. a. minute.
- the happiest smiles when B wakes up from her naps, her rosy cheeks, eager eyes, & red marks from her sheets successfully jolting me out of any funk
- sunshine & picnics, magic hour & bonfires
- balancing the belly laughs & exasperated sighs at trying to successfully co-parent while cooped up at home all day everyday
- Banks always there to bring the calm. the joy. the reassurance. Her tiny life yanking us back to simple wonder, the comfort of routine, easy laughter, and the importance of play.
- chances to teach our girls about Jesus through simple books like this
- the breakfast nook where we eat together as a family nearly every meal
- so much time for Ben to play with the girls...always a game on the agenda...daddy mountain, hide and seek, rocket ship, catch, monster daddy, puppy Darcie
- dance parties before bedtime
- time to think and pray and listen and write
- slowing down, self check ins, a soul refresh, maximizing the moment, deciding I will not waste this crisis

long live all the magic we made

The state fair makes me THE MOST nostalgic. We don't make it every year, but I'm turning THIRTY this month so when Ben asked how I wanted to kick off my birthday month, I immediately decided a family trip to the state fair would be IT.

It was magic. Even though we were in the throws of potty training, we managed! I realized it was Darcie's first time in a public restroom so by the end of the day, we had made many, many trips to try and pee in the "pee pee place" as she so creatively named it.

Fried oreos were a crowd favorite and we brought plenty of snacks we could throw in front of DJ anytime she yelled "hotgog!" or "fwies!" (since fair food will break your bank if you let it!) I took her on her first ferris wheel ride and it was a moment, for sure. Although, hands down, the petting zoo was her most favorite part.

Here's a little 1 minute video of the sights and sounds of the fair!

independence day in more ways than one

Fourth Of July is one of my favorite holidays. Although I'm only HALF American, I take that half pretty seriously, hence why I love celebrating this wonderfully privileged country -- and I don't take for granted that I get to live here and raise my family here thanks to the brave men and women who have made it possible.

There's just something about a SUMMER holiday. Fourth of July is really the only one! Right smack dab in the middle of the magical season of summertime. I think that's another reason why I look forward to this day....the buzz of people making plans, the patriotic outfits, the firecrackers and sparklers and bubbles and sprinklers and sidewalk chalk, the full pools, full grills, and full hearts. It's just so perfect!!! I admit, this year I planned coordinating family outfits and stocked up on bomb pops and snagged a red & white checked table cloth for the brunch we're hosting. My husband rolls his eyes. But whateverrrrr.

July 4th, 2013

This day also represents a lot to me personally - a nod to my own evolving independence as a woman. It's been a day that embodies the elements of feel-good summer with the feeling that all holidays from then on will be different. It's a day that's found me celebrating my country with my family, anxiously waiting on the cusp of something new.

In 2013, July 4th was the last holiday Ben and I spent together with different last names. Our wedding was one week later. I distinctly remember holding onto that day -- cherishing it. Going home after fireworks and staying up late with my sisters...talking and laughing...knowing in the back of my mind those sweet sister hangs on the third floor would soon come to an end. I remember driving around in the back of my parents' van, holding Ben's hand and thinking ONE WEEK ONE WEEK ONE WEEK ONE WEEK until we're married. I remember getting giddy about all my holidays forevermore starting and ending with him. I remember wondering what traditions we'd start and where we'd celebrate in the years to come and who we'd be when we got there. In a way, that slow day off work from my 9-5 job to eat hotdogs and make memories was my last hoorah before giving up independence as Destiny Morrow to become Destiny Rothwell -- a woman who would live with, learn from, look to, and love someone else with her whole heart. I was on the cusp of the rest of my life, my happily ever after, my love story climax.

Fast forward to 2017. Five years later and July 4th somehow managed to be that same "final" holiday before life as we know it would change for good. I was 37 weeks pregnant. I woke up that day with the palpable feeling that this was it. Our last holiday before our baby would forever be part of the festivities. It was a FULL day -- made perfect by things we love with the people we love most. We had an early family breakfast with my Dad's homemade waffles then hit the road to Richmond where the lot of us (19.5 to be exact - because Darcie made 20!!!) took over the tiny Nordstrom coffee shop at the mall before shopping sales and getting Mexican food at our favorite tex-mex place. I remember I wore the only sandals that still fit my swollen feet. I remember I SAT on a mannequin platform at H&M while my sisters tried on clothes because why did we walk the mall in its entirety and just why would I be in need of any new clothes with this belly? I remember being so uncomfortable, but SO HAPPY. Like, so happy. Maybe the chips and salsa had something to do with that -- and my favorite faces shoveling them down so fast the poor table server couldn't keep up. We headed back to my sister's house and next up was (not quite legal...?) fireworks and sparklers (next up for me was BEDTIME, but I'm never one to bust a party so I had to put my game face on). I was so exhausted and my feet and back and everything ached so badly that I literally couldn't stomach the thought of standing in the cul-de-sac and hollering at the boys to "take cover" or watching the kids' eyes light up with every "pop." So Ben kindly opened the trunk to my sister's minivan and I tried to lounge back there and still see everything and "be present", but I couldn't make my awkward body work right and the baby's foot was in my ribs and blah blah blah I finally told Ben to just take me home.

July 4th, 2017

I may have drawn a hot bath the MOMENT I walked through the door. And I may have been legitimately shocked that my feet could actually get that fat. Yes, July Fourth may have been the day I REALLY realized I was super pregnant. That night while soaking in the tub, all I could do was dream about next year...actually having this baby with us...not being pregnant...not falling asleep to the pops of firecrackers in the truck of a car with a spare tire jutting into my back. It was my last holiday without kids. The last time it would just be me and Ben. The last time there wouldn't be a third Rothwell -- a mini American experiencing the magic of holidays. I had that feeling again. Like I was on the cusp of change that would change me. Like I was letting independence slip through my fingers. As if my existence wouldn't just be about me anymore. And I knew I was about to do that surrender thing again...surrendering Destiny Rothwell to become mama. Twenty-three days later, I did just that.

Today is July Fourth again...2018. One year after the non-shopping-trip-with-Mexican-food-that-gave me-indigestion-best-day-ever. With this one in the books, we've officially celebrated EVERY holiday with our Darcie James. I kinda want to congratulate her for living to see all the special days that she'll one day understand and appreciate. Life with her is better than all the best holidays combined. It's been SO fun adding her to every celebration. Who am I kidding, she MAKES every celebration. Each one a little better than the last. Each one holding such irreplaceable memories that I feel a little like I did on July Fourths past...like everything I know is changing, shifting, fading. Like this day inevitably forces me to hang on a little tighter -- my thumb not able to catch the corner of the page before it turns on today and tomorrow's header will be a whole new chapter. And right now, I just want to truly saturate myself in the moments before they're relegated to live on in my memories. Today was just too sweet.

July 4th, 2018

Her laugh-squeals when we toss her up in the pool or the surprise-turned-to-pride when she slaps the water with her palms and it splashes up onto her sunscreen streaked cheeks. Or the frustration that no matter how many times we say "no", she will. not. stop. biting. the. pool. noodle. Her determination as she kicks her little legs to get as close to me as possible. The way she crosses her chubby ankles when lounging in her floaty. Or the uncoordinated wave to her dad at the grill while she lives her best life in the pool. The cuddles after swimming because she missed her nap but won't miss any of the action, daggonit. That summer smell of sunscreen on her soft baby skin...me breathing it in deeply every time I pick her up. Her cute belly poking out of her outfit...and those bare feet that I kiss probably 50 times a day. Or the way she polishes off a whole hotdog and then some watermelon and sliced cheese...and chugs down la croix from a straw because she's fancy like that. The crawling and cruising and exploring...and my anxiety when she finds yet another small object to put into her mouth. Her babbles from the backseat and her fake "coughs" because she's figured out that whenever she coughs, we look at her promptly. Her tight squeezes whenever we ask for them or the way she smiles and puts her hand on her mouth to blow kisses literally every time she sees me and Ben kiss.

In 23 days, her first year will come to a close...she's checked off the big stuff and ready to move on to toddler-hood. And mama ain't ready. I feel that word surfacing again: independence. But this time from her. And it comes out of nowhere. With no warning of attack. For the past 12 months,  I've been everything possible for a tiny human who is absolutely dependent on me. I've spent so long conceding my own independent identity that I didn't think I'd come face to face with the term again so soon. But here it comes....independence...charging in like the early Americans fighting for freedom. She'll fight for hers. And I will have to relinquish it slowly but surely. And yet, as a mom, I know I will always battle for her. Advocate for her. Be dependable for her. She'll find her voice, her place, her light. And I will be there to make sure they never go unnoticed. To make sure they light up like fireworks and resound like the shot heard around the world.


Goodbye, July 4th...until next year.

darcie's first vacation!

Ever since Darcie was born, I've been itching to travel with her! I know traveling with a babe isn't always a walk in the park, but I just reeeeeally wanted to bring her up to speed on what a hashtag rothwell roadtrip is all about.

We planned a vacation to Florida piggy-backing off my sister-in-law's college graduation and my brother-in-law's master's graduation -- both happening the same weekend at Southeastern University. So we booked a hotel in Tampa and headed down a week early, just the three of us, before the full-on festivities began!

It was magical. JUST MAGICAL. Yeah, the beach isn't the easiest with a 9 month-old. And we learned nap time definitely gets in the way of exploring, and you have to PLAN your day way more as parents...and you might even consider driving through the night to capitalize on those sleeping hours, but nothing beats family fun with our girl.

The sunburns will face, but the memories will last forever. Like Darcie's laugh every time she caught sight of a seagull at the beach or the way she clapped and mimicked "yay" whenever we headed out for the day, or late night chili's in the hotel room after the baby was in bed, or lazy morning cuddles or poolside dinners on the grill or chunky thighs in tiny swim suits or another family selfie in another coffee shop.

Here's some of the places we ventured!

Orlando
- Winter Park (ate lunch at Swine & Sons, of course spent WAY too long in Rifle Paper Company, coffee at Barnie's Coffee)

Tampa
- Armature Works (got coffee (which I subsequently spilled ALL DOWN my white t-shirt), ate brunch, and milled around to smell flowers/sample sweets, before taking a long walk outside along the water)
- Hyde Park Village (ate at Bartaco, cupcake from Sprinkles, and explored all the cool shopping!)
- Buddy Brew Coffee
- Oxford Exchange

St. Petersburg
- Don Caesars Palace
- Pass-A-Grille Beach
- Twistee Treats
- Intermezzo Coffee