Dear daughter,
It’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a coffee shop thinking of you. I woke up and declared it was the perfect day to treat myself to brunch -- who knows how much longer I will have the luxury of alone time with your soon and imminent arrival! Saturdays will soon look quite different. So I got dressed (no easy feat these days), gawked at how big my bump is, kissed your daddy goodbye, and headed downtown. I wasn't the only one with this idea and therefore had to park a little farther from the cafe than I would have liked, but people keep saying, “walk that baby out” so I shrugged and rolled with it (and almost ate it tripping on a curb). I'll admit to you, I parked in two hour parking three hours ago…but I just can’t bring myself to walk back out in that heat at 39 weeks pregnant. So I'm crossing my fingers that I don’t have a ticket waiting for me. July in Virginia is no joke, you will learn. Pool parties for all your birthdays, deal? Deal.
There are more productive things I could be doing right now with a nursery to finish, closets to organize, errands to run, etc. etc. etc. but I’m told I should “rest” before you come, so I interpret that to mean camping out in a corner booth in a relaxing atmosphere to eat good food, drink an iced latte, and write with no agenda whatsoever. Go me!
I ordered an avocado omelet with tater tots. The tater tots won me over. I’ve been craving potatoes like crazy while you’ve been growing. I’ve always been a french fry fiend (it will be EXTREMELY difficult to share them with you when the time comes), but it's expanded to the dangerous -- loaded baked potatoes, hash browns, kettle cooked chips, anything! I've heard about strange cravings... like the women who want to eat paint or something. I’ve just had sudden urges for really yummy things... gummy candies or corn dogs or soft pretzels or buttery biscuits or FRUIT. ALL THE FRUIT.
I wonder what foods will be your favorite. Your dad already discusses (with glee) all the blended concoctions he is planning to make you. Your weekly menu will probably be more sophisticated than ours. I wonder if you will love brunch as much as me. If you will request breakfast for dinner or take pride in making and savoring that wonderful morning meal. I can almost imagine your eyes lighting up when your daddy says waffles or donuts are in order. We've been talking about all the weekend traditions we will start. We’re waiting for you to be be a part of all the memories from here on out, which is so exciting for me. It feels like everything is a suspended breath before you show up.
This coffee shop keeps playing the best music. “XO” by John Mayer, “Heartbeats” by Jose Gonzalez, “Here Comes The Sun” by the Beatles, "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Your daddy and I love music. Back when we were dating, we made each other mix CDs full of all our favorite songs and we’d give them to each other to play in our cars nonstop. You won’t know what a CD is…and cars aren’t made with CD players anymore, but don't worry, we’ll be sure you know all the songs we love. I can’t wait to see you bop your head, clap your hands, dance to the beat, and even SING along! Family dance parties will be a common occurrence and I think you've been getting a head start by practicing your moves from the womb. Maybe you've been eavesdropping on what we've been playing. I created a playlist called "For My Daughter" full of soft ballads that I think will serve us both well during nighttime feedings and nap times. You will find I make playlists for everything and I only thought it fitting that you have your very own -- an initiation to the Rothwell Square, if you will. I think you'll like it. I think it will suit you.
One bad thing about being in one place for a long time while pregnant: the amount of times you have to get up to pee, and the people around who definitely begin to notice. As I walk past, they look up from their coffees, glance from my belly to my face and offer up a smile, or the bolder ones will ask my due date and consecutively exclaim, “you can’t be five days away!” I just nod and smile politely because what do you say to that?!
The doctors say you’re a little thing. At one point, you were in the 8th percentile for growth! Will you fit into any of the clothes we have for you? They also say not to worry (or buy preemie clothes) because you will grow fast, which is both a relief and a reminder to truly cherish you in all your newborn deliciousness. You'll change everyday and the days will race by and soon you’ll be wearing makeup and getting your driver’s permit. Okay, okay…I’m getting ahead of myself. One look at the newborn size diapers and I’m put back in place. But even those seem SO SMALL. I can’t imagine a human with a tooshie that little!
There’s a lot I try to imagine; there’s so much I wonder about you. Yesterday during an ultrasound the technician said she saw little hairs on your head. It’s a good thing because with this heartburn, I’m nearly convinced you’re Rapunzel in there! We wonder if you’ll have dark hair like daddy or light hair like mama. Will you arrive late like I always am? Or will you be reliable, prompt, and predictable like dad? I could sit in this coffee shop all day and dream about you. Downing one choco-nut mocha after another…or maybe not because I’m not supposed to have that much caffeine while you're still in there! I try so hard to understand what it will be like to hold you in my arms, but it's been 39 weeks and 2 days of you and me like this, your tiny frame nestled in mine, that anything else doesn't seem possible.
We promise to love you. We promise to do our best to anticipate your needs and ease you into the rhythms of our life. We want to share it all with you. We promise not to slow down, but to keep moving forward with a new sidekick for all our adventures. You'll fit right in. Like you were always meant to be there. We promise to let you change us. To let you stretch us and teach us about sacrifice, selflessness, and surrender. Pretty soon my body will no longer be your home and we promise to give you a good new home, a soft place to land, somewhere you'll love and long to be.
Right now, you're a little mystery kept safely under my ribs, but I'll work everyday to learn everything there is to know about you. I'm proud of the way the ligaments in my body have stretched to accommodate you -- my mind and soul with it as I ready myself to be your mother. I promise my patience and I promise you peace. I won't be superwoman and I won't be perfect, but I will be your normal. I will be your comfort. For a time, I will be your sustenance. And I will be perfect for you.
I promise to breathe through the tough moments in our first weeks together and exhale kisses onto your cheeks a billion times a day. I promise to get stronger, get more comfortable, and get some sleep...eventually...for both our sanities. I promise to ache when you ache and laugh when you laugh. I promise to put you first, to sacrifice so you can flourish. I promise to teach you things -- even the hard things -- when the lessons are hard for you and hard for me -- because we will both get better, and I will learn with you. I promise to stay grateful, to not take you or this gift of motherhood for granted. I promise to love your dad and model the respect he deserves so you will learn to give it too. I promise to be present. I promise to celebrate you well. I promise to grow with you. And when the time comes, I even promise to share my french fries with you.
I love you so much, my daughter.
xoxo,
mom
I love you so much, my daughter.
xoxo,
mom
