"lately I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we couldbe"

I'm a "little moments" person. I like to keep track of details that would otherwise be forgotten. Because they are the things that characterize a situation, a relationship, a place, an event, an encounter, even a lifetime. While on my honeymoon, I paused at these little moments and took mental snap shots. I wanted to remember the feelings, the soundtrack, the array of tastes, the minuscule adventures, the conversation exchanged, the moments when I thought: I cannot possibly love him any more than I do right now.

here are some little moments throughout my first week as a wife, the first week with my husband:

- ordering room service at the Williamsburg Inn, sprawled across the king size bed, eating the fanciest chicken ceasar salad ever made and talking about our favorite parts of our wedding day
- the congratulations greeting from all the hotel staff we encountered...it was as if management sent out a memo to every employee about Mr. and Mrs. Rothwell's wedding night stay
- our excitement upon discovering the heaters on the marble floors in the bathroom
- the cleaning lady who forgot to knock before entering (note to self: actually use that "do not disturb" sign)
- waking up to my brand new husband saying, "I'm going to draw you a bath" (I mean...come on...draw me a bath? Swoon)
- 40s music all the way to the Blue Ridge Mountains
- forgiving Ben even after the 5th time the seat warmers "magically" turned on and turned into a leather stove, practically cooking me
- pulling off for a quick restroom stop and instead getting distracted by a history book on the shelf about JFK's presidency; we're both standing there engrossed in our own copies...me reading about Jackie's fashion influence (she TURNED DOWN a Vogue internship in PARIS) and Ben reading about his politics and assassination...45 minutes later we're back on the road
- sleeping in the trees, under the stars, at our adorable Garden Cottage
- watching fireflies at dusk from the wrap around porch while munching on a pile of homemade chocolate chip cookies and sitting cross-legged in oversized rocking chairs
- my sweet husband saying, "I wish I could marry you every weekend"
- mouths watering as we perused the stash of provided menus, adamantly discussing where we would eat dinner each night
- cuddling during old romance movies and feeling Ben's body shake with laughter at Cary Grant's jokes
- antique shopping down Main St.
- several spontaneous Target trips for snacks & drinks to stock our mini-fridge
- devouring THE best wings ever from Bull & Bones restaurant, Ben completely unaware of the sauce smeared across his mouth as he hilariously announced his sudden yet undying love
- mischievously trading scrabble letters for every vowel I needed while Ben was transfixed by Friends episodes
- practically choking on popcorn as we laughed our way through the movie at the drive-in theater
- walking hand in hand through every city we visited, knowing we're husband and wife and wanting everyone else to know
- mid-day naps and afternoon tea
- killing time by sitting in the car and listening to our wedding music with our high tech headphones (which were a total splurge purchase)
- sharing the fruit & cheese board while fine dining....Ben automatically reaching for the Bleu Cheese (ew), me instinctively indulging in the Goat Cheese (mm), no questions asked
- pulling off at every overlook along the Blue Ridge Parkway...getting out, standing side by side, but silent in awe
- Ben's predictable eye-roll upon my insisting we start a habit early and make the bed every single morning
- leftovers night where we microwaved the remainders from all the local restaurants we visited, then plopped down on the couch -- in our robes and wet hair from the hot tub -- to eat an eclectic dinner at 10:30pm
- horseback riding at sunset through fields of wildflowers between vast hills outlined in blue
- taking a pit stop in the hippiest of towns, Floyd, and then leaving
- Ben playing with my hair while reading a novel on his ipad...me too much in dreamland to so much as even pick up a book
- balcony lunch overlooking the mountain silhouettes at Chateau Morissette Winery
- waking up every morning with this giddy feeling because: a) the man of my DREAMS was lying next to me (without a shirt) and b) we had a whole day of endless possibilities and beautiful moments to seize
- our private hot tub...ooo la la!!!

- the scent of Ben's deodorant, which is advertised as: wilderness, open air, and freedom

- the scent of Ben's spicy sweet cologne drifting up to the loft every time he used it

- okay, okay, the overall scent of MAN and knowing this was HIS smell and I would forever smell it
- eating dinner as early or as late as we wanted...having NO agenda...but aiming to at least arrive at restaurants before they closed (not always a success, oops)

- watching the food network (of course. I should have known) and chef Ben explaining the "dos" and "don'ts" of "Chopped"
- shopping at boutiques where my husband became my personal stylist who beamed and bragged whenever he found items he just knew I would love

- Ben's heaven-sent patience as I entered and exited dressing rooms numerous times

- his (sometimes comical) effort to give valuable insight on every outfit

- scouting for good coffee shops while on the go
- tasting all the sauces at every restaurant and guessing which one the other would like best

- climbing the ladder to the lofted bed and making Ben so nervous when I did it in the dark

- the charm of the slanted ceiling and floral wallpaper...noticeably more enchanting when the light of the morning beamed through the window
- the pink Hydrageas outside our front door that reminded me of our wedding every time we came and went
- Ben's steady hand there to help me at every steep part of the trail to the Cascade Falls

- sitting in front of the 66 ft waterfall, eating sandwiches with guacamole, feeling accomplished from our 4 mile hike, and relishing the freezing mist paired with the crashing sound of water

- rolling out of bed every morning, barely making it to 9am breakfast, but determined to do so because it was 3 courses, with candlelight, and savory recipes, and served on gorgeous china, and unlimited coffee
- deciding on the hot tub before our swim suits could dry from swimming at the Aquatic Center...nevertheless, we found ourselves squealing and shivering in our damp suits all the way to the hot tub
- mexican food date night where I cried and said between chips and guac: "you've just been the perfect husband...literally, the perfect husband." And you smiled at me tenderly, but I know you were actually just trying not to laugh at me

PS. Just realized how much of that mentioned food. Oh well...y'all know who I married...

a great happiness

On December 19th, 2012, I journaled this quote:

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by. -- Gyula Krudy

...and 5 days later, my awfully handsome man asked me to marry him.

A great happiness. All throughout my work day while I fax, and highlight, and get papercuts, I dream about "great happiness." It's different for everyone, of course. But for me, great happiness is a wood burning fireplace, coffee in the mornings with him, prayers before bed, 1 hotel room when we travel instead of 2, a chandelier in the dining room, hearing him sing songs throughout our home, cooking his favorite food, a new and improved alarm clock that kisses me good morning, a music room, a garden, books on the shelves, quilts on the beds, and love in our hearts.

Holy moly, I'm excited for great, abundant happiness.

"do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"

So, I don't know if I'll get through writing this post without crying. I have been such a weepy emotional basket-case. But I feel I am justified. My life will never, ever be the same again and has more promise, potential, excitement, and love than it ever has before.

Because...

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

I have to tell this to myself over and over again and I still haven't quite processed it. So what the heck:

I'M. GETTING. MAAAAARRIEEDDD!!!

I am engaged. A fiancee. Betrothed. Bride-to-be. Future wife. I have a ring on my finger!!!!!

One can imagine the state of my heart the past several hours. I've experienced every feeling from pure joy and elation, to sudden stress, to overwhelming happiness, to giddiness and anticipation, to peaceful satisfaction, to a zombie-like trance, to crocodile tears, to wedding dreaming, to staring in blessed bewilderment at my vintage ring (for minutes on end). UGH. But I have to say, despite the overload, one feeling has been a constant the past 47 hours.

I am humbly grateful.

I'm so utterly thankful that God prepared this too-good-to-be-true man for me. FOR ME! That he aligned everything in his timing, that he has done such a work in my and Ben's heart, that we are able to be together under God's favor, that the Lord is at the center of our relationship, and that HE will be glorified in our lives as a couple. WOW. Humbled. God fulfilled his promise to me -- the promise of creating and preparing and perfecting a human being meant solely for me and who loves me like I could never have imagined.

LOVE. That's another thing I'm feeling. So much love.

Song of Solomon says "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

I waited, and waited. I never allowed myself to fall blindly in love, to love the wrong person, to make mistakes in the name of love. I wanted to save it all up in my heart so my husband could one-day experience every ounce of love that I never spent on anyone else. Every bit of it. I wanted to know what love is, without a shadow of a doubt, before I ever succumbed to it.

Well, I've learned what love is:

love is offering me his coat, in addition to mine, willing to suffer the cold of December
love is disarming me in an argument by lovingly saying my name or calling me "sweetheart"
love is staying by my side in a crowd, his hands always finding their way to touch me tenderly
love is involving my family in a proposal because he knew how much I wanted it
love is reassuring me when money is tight, saying he can take care of it all
love is wiping my tears...these days it's the happy kind
love is taking away my fears with kind words as we drive down the highway on Christmas night
love is when he sends me text messages from the back of the auditorium about how beautiful I am from his view
love is seeking out a jeweler for a vintage ring rather than a department store with mass production
love is him hugging four-year-old Anderson and calling him "brother"
love is surprising me with a salad at work because he knows I don't want to eat junk
love is turning around three hours later to pick me up from work
love is buying me a wedding planning book after I say I'm overwhelmed
love is being so agreeable, despite his opinionated self, and allowing me to plan the wedding of my dreams
love is him encouraging me to keep up my sister time
love is knowing exactly how I like my starbucks drink
love is refusing to let anyone try on my ring before the proposal
love is the smile in his voice when he answers my phone calls
love is what I saw in his eyes when he knelt before me, eyes misty, but voice strong and sure

Yes, love. I'm exploding with it. This man is everything I want. He shows me every inch of his heart, he gives to me generously, he is wise and faithful, kind and honest, respectful and passionate, assertive and caring. Things will never, ever be the same again because I have found the one my soul longs for. My heart is so full. I am so humbled by the Lord's provision and match-making. I have so much love to give, to share, to lavish.

The Lord is so worth trusting.
Love is so worth waiting for.

And I am so happy.

pardon me, the waterworks were aflowin' prior to this picture

"twenty-four oceans, twenty-four skies"

Because Ben doesn't particularly like surprises and because he particularly likes to have options, I gave him a choice between three different dates for his birthday -- and I wasn't the least bit surprised when he chose the most practical and laid-back of my ideas. This is Ben we're talking about.

So it was Yorktown Beach for some night time relaxation and conversation by the water.

I supplied the birthday mix cd that included "throwbacks, newbies, and pretty duets." Yes, we karaoke'd the duets the whole trip. And yes, I stole glances as his face softened and he let loose a small chuckle everytime he recognized a throwback song that had defined a moment or two, or three of our relationship.

the sky on our drive down the Parkway

When we arrived it was already dark and the beach was beautifully lit by the glaring lights from the bridge. We strolled down the small boardwalk, passing the crowded patios of seafood restaurants. Although my stomach seemed to be screaming at me and the occupants' food looked so good, I wasn't tempted. Ben and I frequently go out to dinner. But there was an unspoken purpose to this evening. This was a time for us to be still and soak in each other's company -- along with the company of the water that glistened yellow and orange a few yards from us.

We settled on a small alcove of the beach. Ben laid out the blanket and we plopped down. We were quiet at first as the night time wind began rustling the calm river. Then Ben began talking about the matters of his heart, which is not everyday conversation for us. I'm the one who talks about feelings, thrills, and sentiments. He's the levelheaded, logical, and steady one. So, as we're enjoying the hum of the cars racing across the bridge and the gentle rocking of the water, he just starts blurting it all out. Although he was telling me about good things, things we've been praying for, it was vulnerable nonetheless. I had to hide my pleasure as he talked, afraid he'd suspect I was laughing at him. I wasn't laughing at him! But I was excited because he was speaking my language. Over the next hour or so, we both did our share of talking and listening as we snacked on cheese and buried our toes in the sand.

Happy 24th birthday, Ben. I'm ready to spend 75 more with you wherein I'll listen to your most secret hopes and dreams that mark every single one.

I am NOT a poet...but I AM a girl who adores her man

As Ben and I celebrate three years together (and a great three years at that!), I remind myself exactly what it is I love about him and exactly why I love it. Uncharacteristically, my thoughts took the form of a poem, but it's really just my way of saying:

THANK YOU, BENJAMIN AARON ROTHWELL!!!!

Thank you for offering an eager set of ears.

Relishing in my nonsensical words

Asking for more, and showing the world

Thank you for challenging me to become more than I am.

 Repainting my view ‘til it’s brilliant and better

Giving me light when I might want to be darker

Thank you for adopting my dreams as your own.

Lifting me up when I can’t get any higher

Saying, “I believe in you now and forever”

 Thank you for watching me with those almost-black eyes.

Disregarding all else to see me for me

Pretense all gone - just faith and belief

Thank you for loving my voice, small as it is.

Singing or speaking, you want to hear

You know it matters, that it’s something to share

Thank you for patience, thank you for grace.

I won’t find the same kind in any other place.

Thank you for silence, thank you for noise.

The harmony is perfect, simple, and poised.

Thank you for fighting, thank you for peace.

You conquered it all, all just for me.

Thank you for praying, thank you for leading.

I can’t say it enough; it’s just what I needed.

Thank you for honesty, thank you for heart.

That’s what I wished for from the very start.

romance reminder

"I will never stop fighting for you"

These are words every girl wants to hear. At least every girl that's anything like me.

I heard them today, and I paused.... To remind myself how good I've got it. To make a mental note for the next time we argue or exchange deflating words. To smile at the attractive assurance of knowing what he wants and going after it come hell or high waters. To let out a sigh of relief - a sigh of happiness. To allow myself to feel like that sought-after girl who just wants to be treasured above all else.

photo courtesy of Brianna

what are a few of your favorite things?

- violins in songs
- chivalry
- vintage shops
- going to football games
- sister time
- my itunes playlists
- worship
- collages
- old, worn books
- dinner dates with the boy
- the Roaring Twenties
- family road trips
- a favorite song performed live
- my nephew and niece
- One Tree Hill episodes

october: full to the brim

October is my favorite month -- nevermind the fact that it's my birthday month -- it's just so lush and promising and chilly and colorful. This October was FULL to the brim with activities, events, monumental milestones, and beautiful people. I found myself looking back on the month (didn't it FLY by?!) feeling very fulfilled. Praises!

I was blessed to be on the worship team for CrossWalk's 10th Anniversary Service. I just LOVED praising the Lord for all he has done in the life of our church. Being on stage, I could look out and see the faces of changed lives and witness the worship of others. I was overcome with thankfulness and anticipation. God has so much in store! 

Plus, the choir ROCKED and Ben played the harmonica which was sweeeet. 

Faith Phipps and her two wonderful sisters came from northern VA to support Landon! He was so happy! 

Craig, my dear friend from high school, got MARRIED! Me, Catherine, and Ricky traveled to Simpsonville, South Carolina to see him and his beautiful bride tie the knot. It was so special to reunite with these precious people for such a memorable day in Craig's life. FRIENDS FOREVER!

The Ben Rothwell Band road tripped 4 hours to lead worship at a youth retreat in Falling Waters, West Virginia. For a whole weekend, we got to hang out and worship with young people that had such incredible hearts for God. We were so blessed! As a band, we got to go with the group to Hershey Park in Pennsylvania. Ben rode his first roller-coaster since 2005!

I discovered my new musical idol. Sara Bareilles. Holy cow, she is flawless. She is quirky, confident, and talented. Her concert for the student body of CNU proved to be some of the best live music I've ever heard. I went with my sweet friend, Brianna Gomez, and our jaws about touched the floor. 

For my birthday, Ben surprised me by taking me to Charlottesville to go apple picking! We picked the juiciest, most delicious Fuji apples, and bought eh, about 2 dozen homemade apple cider doughnuts. The apple orchard is truly a little hidden gem on the top of a mountain. If you're planning on going, bundle up! because it gets even colder in the higher elevation. Also, make sure you leave with some locally grown produce! 

This month, I spent all my friday nights sitting in bleachers watching high school football games. I am not complaining. We were able to cheer on Landon in his moments of glory, and encourage him in those moments that could have gone better. We are so proud of our athlete who loves the Lord with all his heart and relies on HIM for all strength and talent. 

We visited a pumpkin farm to pick out our own pumpkin to carve. Excuse the finished product -- Anderson has been learning all his shapes, so we incorporated that theme.  

xoxo & autumn colors,

D.

randoms:

1) I miss my nephew right now. He's getting big in Texas (no pun intended) and I can't witness it. It's such a bummer. I want to feel his little teeth come in, see him crawl, rock him to sleep, snuggle him.....:(

2) I have been listening to some super good music. I need to share:

- "Little House" Amanda Seyfried

- "Ride" Cary Brothers

- "Jar of Hearts" Christina Perri

- "Feel This (Love Fall Down)" Enation

- "From the Ground" Lisa Gungor

- "War Sweater" Wakey!Wakey!

- "Marathon" Tennis

- "Thistle and Weeds" Mumford & Sons

- "The Ocean" Mae

3) Tony Romo is engaged. This was life-altering news.

The fiancee (sob) is the sister of this fine gentleman:

maybe I should just "settle" and marry him to be in the family? psh...settle. 

3) Chace Crawford (above) makes me miss Gossip Girl...new episodes return next week!

4) I really love how my professor fooled our class today and presented us with both Dixie Chicks and Green Day lyrics and told us to analyze the "poems" simply by the context. She told us their true identities at the end of class. Productive strategy, I think.

5) my best friend will be in VIRGINIA in um, approximately 1 month. I'm ready for fresh adventures, inspiration, memories, and everyday LIFE with this girl -- without the looming plane ride back to washington state. IT'S ON, M!

6) I have to read this book for my "Justice in Literature" course which I'll take in CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND this summer. This looks like an enticing read. I'm reeeally excited. And the fact that we get to VISIT the cathedral in which the book takes place? glorious.

7) The Virginia Symphony is performing "Carmina Burana" tomorrow night at the ferg. I so desperately want to go, but alas, have no one to accompany me. Not many people want to sit through hours of ancient music, it turns out.

8) I'm still looking for a job. Until then, I'm staying busy with my sweet hallmates, t.v. series on dvd, reading for english classes, reading of friends' blogs, and.....wow, my life is pretty lame.

9) I have been discovering the most amazing truths and reminders in Proverbs these days. Definitely more to come on that. I'm engrossed in the Bible as of late!

10) Perogies. Noodles stuffed with a blend of cheese and mashed potatoes. Cook them in vegetable oil, fry up some onions, add a side of sour cream for dipping, and wham -- delicious heaven. I may or may not be googling how to make them homemade right now.

11) I watched this movie last week with my mom and brother, Landon (yes, he watched the whole thing) which came out in my birth year: 1989. I loved everything about it --- the characters, the passion, the soundtrack, the elegance. The romance of this movie targets your heart...and your tear ducts.

12) my dad will be in India for Superbowl sunday. The Superbowl simply isn't anything without my dad. I'm kind of lost on what to do. Is that pathetic?

13) b. rothwell went to minnesota over christmas and shopped at the Mall of America. He brought me home a "cowboy boot purse." It's the most genius thing -- recycling cowboy boots and using the leather for trendy purses. It's my new favorite accessory. He says it is for the "wannabe texan in me."

mirror, mirror on the wall

I drive a lot. Driving is one of my most favorite past-times. Mostly for the music. And the option to go really, really fast. I especially love to drive with Ben. It's a sacred time for us, I think. I always feel as though we're being productive because we have a destination -- and negligent because we're doing absolutely nothing. It's during those times, however determined or lazy, that we share the best music, the best conversation, the best laughs, and the best closeness. Sometimes we're quiet - with our own thoughts. We may reflect on personal discoveries, or opinions, or questions, or memories that have drifted into our peaceful minds. Sometimes we share them, sometimes we don't. But the silence is welcomed, loved even. A popular question is,

"what are you thinking about?"

and the response is never, ever what is expected. It's hard to guess someone's thoughts, it turns out. And I like that.

My loyal friend (and Ben's disdained annoyance) on road trips is the familiar passenger mirror - you know, the one that folds down for make-up and last minute hair touch-ups. Well, if only I used it more for those purposes. Instead this is how it goes:

Ben is a very focused, careful, deliberate, (and slow), driver. Sometimes he gets SO lost in thought and focus that I have to take extreme measures. En route, I use the mirror provided to test the ugliest, most horrendous facial expressions I can conjure. Once the unattractive face is perfected and in place, I turn to look at Ben. He sees me from the corner of his eye after a few moments and laughs/groans. Mostly it's this,

"destiny, stoooop..."

or

"close that mirror!"

or

"ewww"

or

"wow, that one's the best...I mean worst"

BOY, do I love traveling with him.

love, d

"happy."

Today was beach day, or in other words, a good day. I finally whipped out my new straw hat, I applied the sun tan lotion, I packed the lunches, grabbed the towels, made the soundtrack, and off we went - me and my boy.

I often have epiphanies on really good days. I think this is because I am able to see things the way my heart longs to see things - purely - without the frustrations of life trying to sabotage my vision. I open myself up and soak in my surroundings in hopes of gaining new perspectives, new inspiration, new cleansing, and new ideas. Today, it was a revelation about the little moments.

For instance, Ben, although anxious to listen to his brand new cd, happily conceded to my showing him my "current top 3 songs that make me close my eyes and just sing." For instance, Ben quickly taking the cooler from me when he looked over to see me carrying it. For instance, Ben laughing/making fun of my weird habits, but laughing that I-actually-like-that-about-you laugh. For instance, kissing on the beach and feeling oh-so One Tree Hill-esque. For instance, simple small talk while laying on our towels in the sun. For instance, falling asleep in the car on the way home...and waking up to find my boyfriend holding my hand. For instance, enjoying Ben's horrified facial expressions when I got him to believe something completely unbelievable. For instance, knowing Ben would order a blooming onion at outback, and being really happy I didn't have to ask for it.

The little moments are the important moments.

In those moments I'm reminded that beyond the affection and the adoration, Ben is my best friend...and we truly have fun together. When discussing this tonight with my dearest Mikayla, she asked me,

"where's your heart, d?"

"happy," I say.

...for that's all that matters.

...that's the most important thing.

in the end, the "timeless romance" that is our dream may just end up being that "faithful friendship" that we always need.

"romance eventually fades. it doesn't raise kids or pay bills. but best friends? they can figure that out." - mikayla nicole :)

ben rothwell

since I am quite fond of my boyfriend, and since I am aching to display some of my favorite parts about him, I am going to give a little "virtual tour," so to speak, of benjamin aaron rothwell.

things I love about b:

1) his unbelievable passion for worship and his ability to lead hearts through music.

2) the way he loves my sisters.

3) his eyes. oh yes, those dark eyes. clearly, they run in his family.

4) how cute he was when he was a little boy.

5) his knack for cooking always tastes good.

6) no one has ever looked so good in sunglasses.

7) he eats chipotle burritos with such urgency and satisfaction.

8) his horrendous facial expressions.

9) we like the same food, made the same way.

10) where he's come from and the journey he's traveled to be the man that he is today.

11) the way he looks at me -- that lingering gaze that displays even the corners of his heart.

12) his droid phone (no really, I love it) and his constant cup of coffee.

13) the way he makes me laugh -- so hard, so often.

14) he read twilight...and liked it.

15) he whistles whenever he's in a good mood.

16) the way he interacts with children.

17) he sings to/with me.