while I'm waiting for you

Hey, baby girl...

I am 39 weeks, 4 days pregnant and we are in the final moments of waiting to meet you. Emotions are high and change is so palpable that of course, I had to sit down and write, as I do, to let things settle and get stored for safe-keeping.

I'm thinking back on this pregnancy and honestly, it was quite something. 

Growing you inch by inch seemed to inch by. Slow in part because the social aspect of society has slowed during the pandemic. I spent so many endless days just home with your sisters, taking tums to fend off heartburn, and casually growing your limbs while playing make-believe or breaking up disputes while figuring out what to make for dinner yet again and glancing at the clock to see how long until daddy came home. I hardly wore make up. Hardly left the house. Hardly wore real clothes. 

Yet, even as the days blended together and dragged on and the overall "covid pregnancy" sentiment lingered, this pregnancy was by far the most eventful. It will be marked forever by significant life happenings stacked on top of each other that leave me feeling very "at home" with you inside my belly. Like enough has happened that we've just become a little team, me and you, weathering it together. As if the shared experience that grew me -- as I grew you -- bonded us. 

I'll always be thankful that I had you - close to my heart - during the last 9 months. 

We opened a coffee shop not long after we learned about you. It feels like the shop has been part of us much longer than the time it takes to grow a baby and I marvel that I've been pregnant with you the whole time! I joke with your dad that I'll finally be able to enjoy owning a coffee shop once I no longer get heartburn after the first sip (thanks for that).  Owning a business has been an interesting adjustment and we're still learning the balance of it all.

File under covid pregnancy: I went to all my OB appointments and ultrasounds alone, which made the visits seem longer and more frequent and never-ending. I saw you for the first time with your Dad on FaceTime and it was strange and sad. Holding the phone up, we shared a moment while he tried to hush your big sisters in the background to hear your heartbeat, squinting to try and catch all the curves and angles of your tiny frame. I asked the technician to print me photos, even though they've switched to digital, and she wrote "hi Darcie and Banks!" on the one with your perfect little profile. 

I got covid while pregnant around Christmas time. We missed out on so many holiday outings, but we sure did watch a lot of cheesy Christmas movies. Seems like ages ago, but I tell you what not being able to smell or taste anything while also experiencing intense food cravings was definitely Destiny Rothwell at one of her lowest points. Sorry for who I was then. It was a dark time. 

I watched my sister get married on a zoom call. Her in Australia saying yes to her forever, us in Virginia crowding around a tiny phone screen asking her to twirl around in her princess dress hours before the ceremony -- tears flowing because we knew it was the extent of "getting ready" with the bride. We celebrated BIG by hosting a family watch party complete with the big screen, catering, and wedding cake, but that bittersweet feeling was still strange.

Then your papaw had a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest during my third trimester. For a week straight while waiting on his recovery and wondering what life would look like, I would just rub my belly and tell you (but mostly myself) that everything was going to be okay and you were going to know him. He loves his grandkids so well and I am so thankful for the miracle of more time with him. It is a gift for you that I never want you to take for granted. 

But glory to God, you are coming to family still in tact. It's been a few wild months, but you have been born into a season of faith. We've weathered storms, waited, prayed, risked, worked, paved, and prepared. We have trusted God and listened to his leading and walked through doors only he could have opened. YOU are the gift we are now ready to receive...I can't wait to welcome you into this ferocious & crazy & beautiful world.