so we're having a baby....

It was Thanksgiving morning and we were in Canada. My aunt's kitchen was a flutter as people chopped potatoes, peeled carrots, dressed the turkey, and prepped pies for our massive feast. I remember realizing on the road trip that I was late, but I couldn't possibly be pregnant. It's one of those things...I just couldn't envision myself with a bump, waddling around eating everything in sight and making a birth plan!

Thanksgiving...moments before our "WHAT IF" convo

I have a husband who is very attentive and observant. And in Ben fashion, apparently he was tracking better than I was (eyeroll). Amidst the frenzy in the kitchen, he tugged on my arm and nodded toward the quiet hallway. As soon as we were alone, he pulled me into his arms and whispered, "I think we're pregnant." I didn't really know what to say...I half denied, half hoped, half mumbled something about how we couldn't really be sure yet. I mean, I didn't FEEL pregnant. I felt totally normal.

Famous last words...

Two mornings later, we were getting ready for our road trip home. Ben was in the bedroom, I was in the bathroom. Suddenly -- and it was very suddenly -- I felt strangely nauseous and lightheaded. I called to Ben and in the 8 seconds it took him to get to the bathroom, I was already sprawled out on the floor, leaning over the toilet. Our eyes met, but neither of us said anything....he just rubbed my back and I frantically willed myself to feel better. We had a 10 hour drive ahead of us with my entire family!

Between Tim Horton's coffee stops (where the thought of coffee made me gag... THE HORROR!) and the unanimous Wendy's choice for lunch (where I reluctantly ordered a small order of fries), I somehow, by God's grace, managed to appear calm and collected -- and normal -- the entire trip.

We arrived home around midnight and our suitcases had barely hit the floor when Ben announced: "I'm going to run to the store really quickly." No explanation. He just flew out the door. I was so exhausted I didn't really question it -- or put two and two together. I was nearly in bed when he got home. (yes, I was that clueless and that tired!)


He came back with a pregnancy test. I hadn't ever seen him like this -- giddy and a little apprehensive. Excited, yet anxious. His eyes were dancing. He couldn't wait....not until morning, not for 5 minutes. I took the test and we waited. I think Ben even set the timer on his phone. Five minutes. The longest five minutes ever.

Two pink lines. We gasped. We rubbed our eyes and looked again. I stared, analyzing the lines. Are we 100% sure we see TWO LINES?! 110% sure? Is this real?! We hugged and laughed. We cried a little. We started and stopped sentences...unable to coherently form words. It was past midnight with a long day of church ahead, but suddenly we weren't tired anymore. We sat on the couch for the better part of an hour and started dreaming...calculating our due date...listing off names...speculating about the future. One moment we'd be rambling a mile a minute and the next we'd just stare at each other incredulously, mouths agape, eyes welling up in tears, smiling like dummies. PARENTS. US! A BABY. OUR OWN!

It wasn't long after we found out we were pregnant that we found out we both secretly wanted a girl...it was sometime after Ben burst out with, "I just want to be a girl daaaaad!!" But honestly, I didn't really have any "feeling" or "inkling" about the gender until the morning of our gender reveal -- the party we planned with our family where we'd discover if this little human was a he or she. I opened my eyes that Monday morning and my immediate thought was: "it's a girl...I just know it." Sure enough, I bit into that cupcake, saw the pink frosting, and I don't think I've ever felt a stronger feeling of IDENTITY -- not necessarily for myself, but for her. I felt like she was KNOWN. Known by me -- her mother. No longer just "our baby" but now the promise of "our daughter." Suddenly, this little "she" inside my belly was her. And it had always been her. She was marked by God to be the little her who would give us a whole new role and responsibility in this life...a whole new path and privilege...a whole new meaning and motivation.

big thank you to my sister-in-law for these photos!!!        

Over the past 20 weeks, there have been SO many emotions / thoughts / feelings running through my mind (as is the case with any pregnant woman). It's absolutely CRAZY that there's a date on the 2017 calendar that will change my entire world. Every time I check the expiration date of something in my pantry or fridge and it says July 2017, I catch my breath a little: she'll be here. What will it be like?  We won't be able to eat this BBQ sauce...must finish before then! Kidding...but only a little. It's looming, her arrival. Her joining our family. Her little presence filling our home. Looming. In a good way, but also in a totally scary way. This anticipation and expectation so closely intertwined with uncertainty and wonder and questions. I literally don't know anything about her...I just know she's coming...and that I already love her in a way I didn't think possible. And that's an intimidating, yet exhilarating place to be.

Now, everything we do is in light of her arrival. We laugh at ourselves and how much we have shifted and changed already to consider her. And it's silly things. Ben will be a Dad -- and by golly, he'll be a strong one! He started a 91 day workout plan and sticking to it like a PRO, determined to be in "shape" for this new role. As far as for me...I am growing this little life and by golly, I will sit on the couch with a heating pad and cheez it crackers designing her nursery and making this home the ULTIMATE haven for our sweet girl. She consumes our plans, our thoughts, our conversations. Isn't it amazing that a person so small can have such a big impact? Right now she's the size of an ear of corn -- corn! Only 9 inches long. Yet our hearts are already bursting as she fills up every nook and crevice.

We thank Jesus for this miraculous gift and we feel so underserving of his TRUST in us! We pray that with HIS strength and guidance, we will be equipped for the task of raising a true warrior of the faith and magic maker of this world.


xo,

Destiny


We don't take this opportunity and responsibility lightly -- or for granted. We know many couples who are still waiting to celebrate as are are and we remember them every time we pray over this tiny life. God has not forgotten you and we have not given up believing in his miracles!