Day before mother's day, 2019....
41 weeks pregnant...
10:05pm and thunder storming. Ben & I are on the couch, watching Friends and listening to the rain.
The house is clean. All the projects and honey-dos are done. Pots and pans are washed and put away from the delicious homemade spaghetti sauce Ben made for dinner, to which he then turned around and whipped up chocolate chip cookies that Darcie calls "tooties" or "teats" (treats). We did bath time and bedtime all together, savoring it a little extra, and letting Darcie play in the tub a little extra -- because who knows what life will morph into over the next few days. Ben read We Are The Gardeners in our nightly reading spot in the rocking chair. Darcie loved pointing out the bugs and flowers and baby.
Speaking of flowers, Ben came home with some earlier today. Because oh yes, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. Although, I keep forgetting this weekend holds any special meaning because I'm so preoccupied with birthing a baby -- or the fact that I haven't yet. He handed the first bouquet to Darcie in the kitchen out of sight, whispered something to her, and she proudly came around the corner with her little hands grasped onto white tulips, grinning ear to ear while obediently handing me the bouquet. Ben came behind her with a second bouquet and a quiet, "Happy Mother's Day, mama." My heart melted at the gifts I already have.
We're waiting to meet our baby girl who will make our other little girl a big sister. The sweetest & fiercest big sister there was. It's all so surreal -- knowing your heart is going to implode and double in size soon to let another little one in, yet all the while looking at your sweet 21 month-old and wondering how you'll ever love another like you love her wild and silly self?
Tonight, as Ross & Rachael "go on a break", I'm distracted by my own thoughts of change. The good kind, but the kind that stretches you and breaks you and burdens you all the same. How will I do at balancing life with two? How in the world did my mom do it with 10?! How will I give them both what they need when they need it? How will I overcome the guilt when I fail? How will I make sure I give myself grace? How will I keep my wife hat on straight with a busy toddler and dependent newborn? What will our new daughter look like? Sound like? Be like? How will she be different from her sister? How will she be the same? Daddy is holding out for blonde curls and blue eyes. My sister told him that is quite specific and includes a lot of recessive gene requests. I will be perfectly happy with a third set of dark chocolate brown eyes to love & get lost in. We yearn to know her...feel her on the outside, see her take her place in our family.
In these waiting days (and they have been longggg), I have tried to be intentional in soaking up Darcie time while also preparing my heart to enlarge...and welcome a new little sisterhood into our home! I find myself in Darcie's room, envisioning it with tandem playtime, snuggled up reading books, magical memories that these sisters will share.
Tonight with Friends episodes in the background, my heart & head is holding hold onto the ordinary, insignificant moments that are everything to me -- gathering them up and cherishing them and knowing they'll be the ones I'll yearn to relive.
Like the sticky spots on the window from Darcie's little hands touching the glass as she waits and watches for Daddy to come home.
Or the Sunday afternoons spent snuggling in our bed, watching mickey mouse on my phone for way too long...her cheek against my cheek, loving the rise & fall of her contented breathing.
Or the way she without fail scoots across the couch to sit nearly on top of me while we watch a show together -- and then her baby sister inevitably moves underneath my skin, a jab here or kick there, already getting in on the action in her own way.
Throwaway moments or revolutionary moments...it all depends on perspective.
So to the girl sitting on my belly and to the girl cozy in my belly...thank you for giving me the most precious gift, the gift of motherhood. You are my life’s work. My calling. My own small mark on the future of this world. I will gladly go the distance with you...on the big days & the daily days, the grand & the grind, the loud “I love yous” & the quiet stillness of just knowing you’re known & seen & believed in. I love being your mom & look forward to seeing you BE SISTERS.
Now, come on, baby girl....we can't wait to love you. I can wait to be to you what I am to Darcie. Your mom. The one you'll need and love as fiercely as I need and love you.
