pregnancy musings

Here I am. Trying to figure it out. Everything is intensifying -- time, bump, anticipation, preparation...it's like I can't keep up with the thoughts that run through my head each day. And my mind doesn't have the option of stopping for breath like this preggers does when climbing a flight of stairs. It just runs wild with....well, everything. Like how I'm going to go from "Destiny" to "Mama." How I'm going to carry the responsibility of raising another human life. How I'm going to manage and control the amount of love that's inevitably poised to overwhelm me the moment I meet her. How I'm going to do all...that...laundry. How I'm going to face failure. How I'm going to feed and pump and sleep and work and be a wife. How I'm going to make sure she wears every outfit before she outgrows it. How I'm going to handle (survive?) this little person exiting my body. How I'm going to fit back into my jeans. How I'm going to parent this way or that way...and choose not to be pressured one way or another from outside people. How I'm going to know what to pack in my hospital bag. How I'm going to keep the house clean and tidy...or resign myself to just letting it be. How I'm going to endure the long nights with a newborn. How I'm going to still have time to love my husband the way he deserves. How I'm going to know what to do when I just don't. How I'm going to fit everything she needs into our little home. How I'm going to make sure we even get everything she needs before she arrives! How I'm going to fulfill those intimidating to-do lists that fill my head, bleed over onto a million notepads, and make my husband's eyes go saucer-like and silently scream, are you kidding me right now?! How I'm going to just CALM DOWN AND RELAX ALREADY.

And while it's scary, some part of me reminds me that it's part of what I was looking for in motherhood -- challenging myself. Finding strength for myself. Pushing through boundaries. Changing what I believe is possible for me. And asking myself daily how I can be better. Because this little girl deserves the very best version of me. I'm determined not to lose the wonder of what's happening right now. The honor of carrying her. Discovering what I'm capable of. Sacrificing as much as necessary for someone so precious and tender and fragile and helpless. I want to do my best to live in the moment.

So I still stop whatever I'm doing to feel that baby kick. Every single time. And with every kick, I feel a greater sense of purpose. I've never felt more purpose than now. I'm growing a whole new life -- lungs, cells, joints, eyelashes for goodness sake -- a life that may one day also grow another life! What a beautiful, beautiful part I get to play in the building of future generations. And isn't that what it's about? The legacy. The way God has appointed me and Ben to love, nurture, and teach this little girl with the most conviction and consistency we can muster. The way he has called us to invest faith and infuse courage into her small, yet mighty life.

thanks to my SIL for these photos!

Yes, I want to be a good mother. So naturally I want all the tangibles to show it. But what I'm realizing I need more is the Holy Spirit to empower me with the intangibles: grace, peace, compassion, patience, strength, resolve, grit, courage, kindness. These are the things she will see in me. These are the things I want to teach her. These are the things that will make the biggest difference as she grows into who God has already designed her to be. What a privilege I have -- getting to partner with him in helping her reach her ultimate destiny. And I desperately want to carry that mantle with honor and diligence.

So when it feels like this child is using my bladder as a trampoline or when my nerves go wild or when my face breaks out and everyone says "you're glowing!!" (but I know the truth) or when we buy yet another bottle of Tums or when I get overwhelmed with nursery decor or labor unknowns or the best stroller on the market or what clothes still fit me (or don't)...I want to lean on Jesus to help me see past the temporary and give me the courage to instead set my eyes on the eternal. How I'm a part of building the future. How I'm becoming my own kind of generation shaper by becoming a mother.

xoxo,

Destiny

presently preoccupied.

Her arrival. The short window we have left until we meet her. And all that had yet to be done or processed or felt.

It all seems so massive. Like none of the details can be forgotten or brushed aside. Because she is so precious and tender and fragile and helpless that I feel I can't drop any ball because what if it affects her wellbeing? I keep worrying about every little thing as if she will notice or care right off the bat. Mentally going through scenarios, amazon orders, and corners that still need cleaning. I try to soak in the present, but eventually throw my arms up exasperated because I'm just so preoccupied by the future -- the future that my snug maternity pants are telling me is coming very soon. I know seasoned moms (and-- let's face it -- everyone else) will read this and think, bless her little heart, and I get that I'm overthinking everything and need to live in the moment more. Normally I do! I'm not much of a planner -- I'm impulsive & spontaneous, forever the optimist. The typical "it'll all work out, be patient, trust the process, enjoy the ride" girl. But being pregnant, I feel so unlike myself -- wary, nervous, scattered, and unsure. This emotional frenzy is what drives those intimidating to-do lists that fill my head, bleed over onto a million notepads, and make my husband's eyes go saucer-like and silently scream, are you kidding me right now?! 

Or is this just what nesting feels like and it's all fine?

Send help.

Sincerely,

overly paranoid pregnant woman