"once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary"

I recently had a conversation with God. Well, actually, it was pretty one-sided. I made him listen as I vented about my biggest fear: being average. Alone in my room, somewhere around 1 am, probably some really good music playing, it went something like this:

Dear God, I want to be someone to somebody. I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered. I want to accomplish something great. I want to make my mark on this world, to better it, to contribute to it. I want to live a full life -- with big and small moments. And I want a way to remember it all. I want to stop forlornly gazing at my dreams stored away on a dusty shelf. I want them active, alive. I want a story to tell; I want people to read my story; I want it to be worth reading. I want to give of myself and to somehow help others, even while I don't have much to offer. I want a pure heart and a sound mind. I want to create; I want to empower; I want to inspire; I want to explore. And I want to know that it all mattered.

Yes, I was frustrated, and I was anxious. I needed to be put back in my place. Thank you, Edgar Allan Poe.

Edgar Allan Poe - brilliant poet, brilliant mind, brilliant literature. But Poe was an orphan...poor and aimless...a gambler, estranged from his foster father, in debt, lived off one short story to the next - and spent nearly all that money on alcohol. He died alone and was buried in an unmarked grave. His tragic and nomadic life seemed to have been lived in vain. His accomplishments were unappreciated and his talent was essentially disregarded. Considering his circumstances, could he have imagined his potential? His impact? His ability? His influence? How could he have ever known that he would become one of America's most beloved and fascinating writers? How could he have known, as he drowned his hopelessness in whiskey, that his stories would become classics, that he would be read in schools, and that critics would dissect and marvel over his written words? Despite his life of heartbreak and useless attempts at "big breaks," he eventually made it to his dream, he made a difference, he transformed literature...even if he wasn't able to witness it within his lifetime.

He lived. He died. And, somehow, he managed to leave a legacy.

I want the same thing.

I am 20 years old.

I don't need to change the world yet, I just need to live in it.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night" - Poe

"you've got me laughing while I sing, you've got me smiling in my sleep"

My boyfriend and I live 30 miles from each other. Okay, not that big of a deal, but we also have very busy, very different schedules. Him with his internship, bar-tending, and college classes. Me with the daycare, my three black children, and completing my associate's degree. Needless to say, we don't always get as much time together as we'd like.

Throughout the days apart we play this game of sorts where we'll text something crazy/random/endearing/hilarious that makes us think of each other.

"I am thinking of you because: (fill in the blank)."

It's a very fun and amusing game. You never know what you'll get; you never know when you'll make an average, mediocre moment something more for him. And honestly, I don't think you can ever quite understand how you do it. It's beautiful, really.

Ben, I am thinking of you because: you just took my last four ibuprofen tablets -- now when I get a headache, I'm screwed.

...Get well, babe.

-d

papaya problem

It all started with a little shopping trip to the outlet mall with the boyfriend.

However, I first need to give some background information in order to help one better understand the basis for my unfortunate dilemma:

I love love.

Its vastness overwhelms me, its ambiguity intrigues me, its simplicity delights me, and its devotion astonishes me.

Bertrand Russell said "love and knowledge led upwards to heaven"

Nate Cole said "if you need love, take the time and be love"

James Morrison said "love is hard, if it was easy, it would mean nothing"

Haley James Scott said "the only thing wrong with love and faith and belief...is not having it"

Moulin Rouge said "love is like oxygen, love lifts us up where we belong"

Lee McDerment said "it's the battle you fight and the song you sing"

The Beatles said "all you need is love"

Sleeping At Last said "we are made of love and every fracture caused by the lack of love"

Therefore, I believe that:

a) love, in its right form -- selfless and everlasting -- can change the world.

b) love can perfect us, mold us, change us, mend us, teach us, liberate us.

c) without it, we are broken, fractured, and lost.

With that being said I'm sure you have concluded, and rightfully so, that I'm kind of borderline obsessed with this word. And you should be borderline concerned. My bags, my books, my music, my decor -- anything love, I have to get my hands on it. Even my jewelry. Especially my jewelry.

I recently bought a pair of earrings. Now, I really (you guessed it) loved these earrings. Papaya. 50% off sale. How could I not snatch them? I feel as though the oversized hearts successively reflect my adoration for love...right?

I bring them home and instantly show/consult my fellow fashion specialists (sisters) and they proceed to tell me that these particular earrings remind them of a staple accessory popularly worn by girls of a different race. Now, do not misunderstand, I have no problem with this conclusion other than the fact that I wanted these earrings to say "destiny morrow loves love"....do they? could they? can they?

turning over a new leaf

...or whatever the phrase equivalent to "change" may be.

Sometimes I find myself simply living -- forgetting the value of some essentials, or at least some things that will no doubt benefit my contentment. I did a little "soul searching" if you will, and came up with a hefty list.

I will:

- invest in good make-up and wear it

- dress up more frequently

- be a better sister

- be a better daughter

- fight for (and on behalf of) my friends

- take advantage of my gym membership

- do something with my hair each day; try creativity

- read a proverb a day

- stop feeling guilty for buying cute shoes

- be determined to find pairs in brilliant, flashy colors...and buy them too

- never allow Ben to go a day without knowing how I care for him; find ways to show him

- hang up my clothes immediately after I take them off

- strive to be a better role model

- spend quality time with each of my siblings

- send more letters; stay in touch with people who matter

- find time for leisure reading -- no matter how hectic my schedule may become

- stop procrastinating important things such as oil changes and laundry

- be more patient

- worship God with abandonment

- risk more

- be willing to serve others with a ready smile

- do things for my mom without her having to ask

- accept people as they are, even if they do not meet my standard of what it means to be a friend

- perhaps lower those standards...

- love love love love...and when all else fails, love some more

"Because it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are, and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be" - L. Scott

-d