happy birthday, banks

Dear Banks,

Your quarantine birthday is in the books! I can't wait to tell you about the time you turned one. I'll tell you about the night I cried as April inched on and I realized there would be no big party (I'm sure you'll know, but your mama loves planning parties). I'll tell you about how irritated your daddy was that I still had to have everything perfect for a low-key small family gathering. I'll tell you about how covid had me unable to keep track of days for the life of me until the calendar switched to your birth month and suddenly I was begging time to slow, keenly aware of it all, rocking you to sleep (even though you've been sleep trained for months) JUST to get even a few extra moments with you. I’ll tell you about the morning of May 14th and how I pulled you into our bed and cuddled you close and took a polaroid to remember the way your eyes curve when you smile and how your smile shows off your two tiny bottom teeth. And I’ll tell you about how we had the best day with you. You were perfect and happy and content throughout every moment  — a nod to what this year was like with you in our family. I’ll tell you about the way you dug your hands into your cake and then planted your face in it all the while your sister said, “mess it up, banks. Mess it up NOW!” I’ll tell you about the way the restaurants were closed but we ordered your favorite food to-go and you devoured a quesadilla, beans, rice, and guac. And I’ll tell you about how we ended the day - when I told your dad to take a picture of me with you as the sun set behind us because I couldn’t let the day end without capturing
one last snapshot of the way I smile when you’re in my arms.

You are my sweet girl, My angel. My pure soul. Your aunt Tay Tay calls you a "joy bomb". You light up every room - but more than that - you bring calm and comfort. A soothing presence. Somehow reassuring. You’ve given a distinct center to our lives when a pandemic tried to fray us. And for that, I thank you. 

Your shy smile can successfully jolt me out of any funk I’m in. Along with your kisses on demand, your power squat while playing, deep growls (which is totally not *on brand* for you, but you like to keep us guessing), love of the outdoors, and instant dance moves whenever you hear music or whenever we chant “go banks go banks". You are joy to the core. You started shaking your head yes before no (which you still haven’t learned!), and I believe it’s a true testament to your good natured personality: compliant, kind, cooperative, curious, sensitive. These are the qualities I love about you. 

Life with you is sweet. The past few months, we’ve been soaking it up extra because let’s face it, there’s not much else to do, but you provide top-notch entertainment and we’re not complaining. You speed crawl to follow us around the house and pull up to be part of any action you think you’re missing. You’ll use anything for a walker — you’ve been known to push around the kitchen barstools without a backwards glance. You’re FEARLESS and TOUGH. You’ll plunge into water without a second thought or climb up stairs or playgrounds and you somehow survive playing with DJ, which normally ends with getting knocked down or pummeled over. But you don’t hold any grudges. You crawl right back over to her as if to give her a clean slate. You adore her and you always have. I pray you always will.

You don't say as many words as your big sister did at your age, but we’ve heard: hi, uh-oh, all done, and dada. And let’s not forget everything you say with those eyebrows. So full of expression since day one, your own brand of communication. The words will come. So for now I cherish the rosy cheeks, furrowed brow, inquisitive eyes, and little waves. The waves will become little words, which will then become little sentences and then little stories and then little secrets. So for now, I rest in the present and refuse to rush the process. And there’s no shortage of entertainment in the here and now. Your sister does the talking and you’ve found mimicking makes us laugh so you stick with that. Whether it’s singing and echoing "into the unknown", giving Darcie’s dance moves a go, playing peek a book in your high chair, or copying us when we sneeze. It’s all so silly and yet impressively engaging, and unbelievably fun. Everything good for us in this strange season of the world. But, honestly, everything good for us, ever. 

The week of your birthday, you took your first steps. We shouted and cheered, exchanged looks of disbelief, pride, and sorrow. So many complex emotions. You are growing so much, baby girl. You’ll continue to find your footing and your fight. And I’ll be there. To teach you and advocate for you. To catch you when you fall and launch you when you need a push. It’s all a balance — life. And if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that life is unpredictable. Nothing is guaranteed. Your safe circumference can be breached without warning. But there is still good news when you look for it. There are helpers when you look for them. And there is kindness when you look for it — I pray you’ll only have to look as far as within yourself to find that kindness first — and then spread it. And you will, my Banks Felicity. My riverbank of happiness, which is what your name means. I pray that you’ll use that joy from the center of who you are and bring center to others. That you’ll keep that smile on your face that reaches your eyes and then people’s hearts. And I pray those beautiful eyes remain open and clear. Clear to discern when you must disrupt comfort and confront injustice. Anything that stands in the way of the mission and mandate of Jesus is worth your time, your voice, and your action. When you don't know what to do, just do the next right thing (frozen 2 for reference in a couple decades when you read this). I pray you’ll be inventive in how you communicate, in how you engage, in how you befriend...build...bloom...and bridge. That you’ll live with surprising generosity and goodness. That you’ll love deeply, loudly, and firmly. That the nobodies will be somebodies when you’re around. I pray God will be your guide and that love, favor, peace, provision, and mercy will follow you all the days of your life — as I watch with pride every step of the way.

I'll wrap this thing up with words of scripture, formed into what we've dubbed your lullaby. The song I sing to you every night before bed, the song you hum along to while rocking against my chest:

My his favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children and their children
May his presence go before you
And behind you and beside you
All around you and within you
He is with you, he is with you
In the morning and the evening
In your coming and your going
In your weeping and rejoicing
HE IS FOR YOU, HE IS FOR YOU.

You are loved. You are treasured. You have so much to give this world. Thank you for living life in wonderment. Everyday I wonder how I lived without you. But I’m so thankful I don’t need to. 

Love,
Mom

worthy no matter the skin you wear.

romans 13:9-10

My heart is broken & heavy. I’ve borrowed a lot of words from others in the past & simply “shared” posts on instagram because:
1. it’s hard to find words to respond to this kind of injustice, and
2. I worry that I’ll say the wrong thing, fumble over it, and further prove to people I’ll never understand it because I’ll never experience it.

But enough is enough. I don’t care how much I know or don’t know. I’m choosing to dig deep & feel deep & speak from the depth of me because I want my kids to know one day that their mom had something to say about this. that I didn’t stay silent. that I was AWARE and AWAKE. and because I’m tired. tired of just “feeling bad” or “feeling sad” — I want to fight. I want to ask God to show me his heart for PEOPLE, the human race, & carry that heart within mine. I want to move with the compassion of Jesus & challenge systemic hate. I want to be educated. I want to advocate for those who have a different story and whose experience in this country is not the same as mine.

what is happening is heartbreaking, exhausting, infuriating, & revolting.

no one deserves to be killed for going on a run because they’re black. no one deserves to be killed for writing a bad check because they’re black. no one deserves to be second guessed or side glanced or sentenced to death because they’re black. it’s wrong. and wrong doesn’t have to be political or need any context. wrong is just wrong.

as I watched the video alone in my room, my 2 year-old ran in with a bag of balloons, begging me to blow them up because it would “be kinda really fun, mama!” I smiled & tried to snap back to the world inside my insulated, privileged, white home. but I couldn’t go back after what I saw. I couldn’t help imagining how I would tell darcie about this. how I could possibly explain hatred like this. how I could shatter the goodness within her by revealing the evil within others. how could dampen her world that revolves around simple things like when it will be her birthday with the reality that there are people in this world who think she deserves birthdays and others do not. I couldn't stop thinking about my beautiful friends of color who are weary & worn & worthy yet wondering if their white friends will even say anything -- preparing themselves for a lack of response and telling themselves it would be okay & move on. the mama who told me she prays every time her wonderful black husband and three beautiful black boys are apart -- that God would bring them home safely together. IT'S NOT OKAY.

as I blew up Darcie's balloons for a pretend birthday party, I was haunted by those “I can’t breathe” pleas from George Floyd as another human decided to be judge, jury, and executioner. as air left my throat, it struck me: breath in my lungs. here we are -- WE have breath in our lungs, unlike George, so we must use it. for GOOD. for change. for accountability. for love that conquers hate. for open eyes & open hearts to learn & continue to learn -- to be VIGILANT in learning. to ask questions, to be uncomfortable so as to comfort others, to resist being passive, numb, apathetic, or silent. to dig deep to find words that put us on the right side of history, even if it means stumbling over them to get there. God has given each of us a voice to speak out, eyes to see the truth, ears to listen to lived experiences, hands to take critical action, & a heart to entrust the greatest tool: empathy for people who are loved & valued by their maker. WORTHY no matter the skin they wear. let’s wake up and, as simple as it sounds, USE THEM.

to all my beautiful friends of color, help me. tell me how to do better. I am willing to do the hard work.

all my love, respect, & conviction,

destiny

(for ways to take action, text 'floyd' to 55156 and follow @grassrootslaw on instagram)