effort even when empty

Recently, I stumbled across a journal entry I wrote at the end of last year about my itch to write again:

I remember my last week of of undergrad well: wrapping up a couple internships, planning graduation activities, applying relentlessly for jobs, working at the Writing Center, checking things off my college bucket-list, saying goodbye to friends, and finally, finishing my classes, which meant writing my final term paper for my English degree. I so distinctly remember thinking, "yes, I want this paper to disappear, but this is the last academic paper I will write, so at the same time, I kinda want to cherish it." Now I almost wish for that time back. I so miss writing. I yearn & ache to create something with words. I feel so empty sometimes - like I'm not fulfilling my purpose. Like I'm wasting my passion. Like it's disappearing or I'm losing it. I'm afraid if I don't start again, I won't be good at it anymore.

When the clock struck 2014 on January 1st, I decided this would be the year to charge forward in the direction of my dreams. No longer would I shrink away from change, but instead I committed to charge - lunge - and race toward it. That has been my mantra, my prayer.

So I will keep going. Keep writing. Keep using what's in my hands, what's in my heart. Here on my blog. Elsewhere. Anywhere.

What are you putting off today? I encourage you to take a chance today, friends. Don't keep waiting. Don't keep questioning. Just MOVE. Press that "submit" button even if you're scared. Reach out to that person even at the risk of rejection. Write that business plan even though you're too busy. Choose forgiveness even if you're fractured or frayed. Make an effort even if you feel empty. Go for it! Don't run from it!

And don't do it on your own strength - hold fast to the source of your help. Cling to the Lord for confidence & calm. He has ABUNDANT blessings in store for you. 

you will go out in JOY and be led forth in PEACE

Isaiah 55:12

welcome home!

Right now I'm sitting in my newly built (still unstained) breakfast nook while my husband is painting "gentle rain" gray onto our walls.

It's the weekend. We have imagine dragons turned up loudly. I have a homemade mocha sitting next to me in my "everyday white" teacup.

There are pink peonies in a vase where I can readily see them from nearly anywhere in the house. They're so pretty I'm tempted to match their shade to a paint color & designate an accent wall.

I'm wearing jean shorts & one of ben's t-shirts because my summer clothes are still boxed up. I'm comfortable, but definitely not trendy. We'll work on that one later, though.

So this house! It's ours. And we love it. Uneven floors & all.

We're slowly transforming it from a refurbished structure into a home...a home that best represents us & our life together. The home we talked & argued & pinned about. The home we believed God would provide so graciously.

We've named it the rothwell square as its dimensions are that of a perfect square! Yeah, we're really creative.

First thing we did when we moved in was set up our coffee station. This included the: grinder, brewer/pot, keurig, k-cup drawer, & "today's roast" container. This was an important step toward our happiness & civility.

Next I had my mom come over & help me organize my kitchen (she's had 27 years of kitchens so she is a pro). Then I made baked goods. Which I've never been good at. But my new kitchen is so lovely that I couldn't help myself! We even bought a stand mixer -- on a whim. And ben keeps begging for muffins, scones, cookies, breads, & poundcake.

It got dark before we knew it & we suddenly realized how hungry we were. We couldn't tear ourselves away so we ordered chinese take-out. Without chairs, we sat cross-legged on the floor. Between slurping lo-mein noodles and piling fried rice onto chopsticks, we dreamt of everything this place would become. While our voices echoed across the hardwood floors.

It's been fun to settle in & inconspicuously figure out how to be a homeowner. Which has meant doing trivial things like researching the most affordable trash company, bribing my brother to mow our lawn with chick-fil-a combos, spending hours poking around home depot, & hosting the plumber with strawberry lemonade while he makes our toilets flush.

The story of our rothwell square is in the beginning stages, but we are are confident it will always be one of faithful love that conquers whatever threatens to come against it. We'll fill it up with reckless laughter, local produce, good people, God-given grace, vintage everything, favorite photos, natural lighting, & eventually....mini rothwells!

It's just our little place. And I want to be here all the time. Just my heart & his.

wedding music!

I've had a lot of people ask me about the songs on our love songs CD favor, which I've recently pulled out & started listening to once again. It's making me happy & full of so much peace.

I've listed the tracks & artists below (with links! so you can check them out). These are songs that have defined specific moments of our relationship, songs that move us, make us love each other more fiercely, and even remind us of ourselves.

Enjoy!

1. Soldier - Gavin Degraw
a fun groove that proclaims how a man protects & provides for his girl
2. On a Night Like This - Dave Barnes
I've loved this song since high school & it has never gotten old
3. Mary's Song - Taylor Swift
the song that most perfectly describes the rothwell romance: I was seven & he was nine...
4. Carry You Home - Nashville Skyline
perfect for the cold winter months - I played it so much after I got engaged on Christmas Eve
"in december, I remember, we smiled for awhile"
5. Elements - Moses Mayfield
the first song ben ever sang to me
6. Turning Page - Sleeping at Last
night driving & ben wearing a boyish grin while explaining he's found a song that he knows I'll love forever
"I surrender who I've been for who you are; nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart"
7. I Believe in You - Tyler Hilton
we like this one better as a duet, so...we make that change ourselves
"baby, that's all I need, someone like you burning through me" 
8. The Lucky One - Jess Penner
love the innocence in her voice & the magic in her word painting
9. True Like Your Name - Steve Moakler
we fell in love with his entire album & played it repeatedly after seeing him live while on a road trip
"stay beside me, let me be your thrill"
10. Hazy - Rosi Golan feat. William Fitzsimmons
simplicity, purity, security
"without you, things go hazy"
11. Only Hope - Switchfoot
my heart & soul is in this song
12. Slow Your Breath Down - Future of Forestry
a reminder to let go, trust, & be confident in your love
"you're not alone, you're now a part of me"
13. Nothing Left to Lose - Needtobreathe
I knew that marriage wouldn't be a fairytale, but everyday - with the strength of Jesus Christ - we have the opportunity to honor one another
"in your hand you hold the pen, what's your answer for the end?"
14. Ulysses - Josh Garrels
this song was done live in our ceremony by my dearest friends - it's so close to us & so significant to the way we came to be together
15. The Sun and The Moon - Mae
"and when you say forever, can't you see: you've already captured me"


HONORABLE MENTIONS:

On Top of The World - Matthew Perryman Jones
our processional 
(ben & I decided on this song while star gazing on my family's trampoline)

Since You Said I Do - Dave Barnes
our recessional 
(I wanted to capture the fun we have together - this does it!)

Your Love is Strong - Jon Foreman
ceremony
(a reminder that GOD'S love is what binds us together where NO ONE can separate!)

Anne's Theme - Hagood Hardy
our vows
(from my most favorite, ever romantic, and always cherished book & movie: Anne of Green Gables)

Song for My Bride (working title) - Ben Rothwell
ceremony
(he penned & performed this for me - as a complete surprise)

Until You (acoustic version) - Dave Barnes
our first dance 
(knew from the first moment I heard this "remix" that this would be in my wedding...THE MOST lovely piano)

Already Home - Ha-Ash feat. Brandi Carlisle
father/daughter dance
(I cried a lot listening to this...)

Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
mother/son dance 
(ben's choice - it adequately described his childhood & fittingly, his siblings performed it)


HUGE thanks to the beautiful people who performed music during our wedding:

Craig Sullivan
Catherine DuVal
Brianna Morrow
Mary Smoot
Adam Rothwell
McKenzie Morrow

an ode to the treehouse

(forgot to post this....oops!)

Right now, I'm laying on the couch sprawled across a sleeping Ben. The blinds are pulled up all the way. Gusts of snow whiz past the windows. The white flakes fall from a dark gray sky, dusting the deck like powdered sugar on a cake. We're covered in our NFL fleece blankets -- Ben with the burgundy and yellow of redskins, me with the navy and gray of cowboys. The way it always is. The way it will always be. It must have been the soft lull of the heaters that sent Ben into a doze. They're stationed on the floor next to me and croon quietly, whispering warmth into the A-frame treehouse that we've called home for nearly 8 months. I glance around, silently totaling up the memories.

Its outward appearance isn't much. Cramped. Outdated. No dishwasher or central air. A single closet tucked into the wall where hangers overlap each other on the rod. The clothes stuffed in so tightly they begin to peak out and prevent the door from closing shut. Slanted ceilings. Narrow kitchen. Stained glass. A lavender quilt on the bed. Cozy velvety couch. French doors. Lace tablecloth. Smell of a log cabin. Gazebo in the yard. Steps slippery from ice. Ruts in the dirt driveway from car wheels.   I think it's important to remember the details. The details surrounding us...they mark the setting of precious scenes. Scenes from our newlywed life: The Treehouse edition.

Scenes.

Like right now. The house is cluttered. Ben hates it this way. I should get up and do something. Fold the heap of laundry. Clean the dishes from lunch.…start packing. But instead I sit, adjust the blanket to cover my toes, shift my weight which causes Ben to stir, and sip my coffee that's no longer hot. There is a bouquet of vibrant flowers in a vase nearby. Tulips. Carnations. Daisies. A reminder that spring is threatening the blister of cold with change and new life.

Seasons. 

Our season at the treehouse is coming to a close. We bid it goodbye with warm wishes and thankfulness for its role in our story. We will forever love it. And one day, we may even miss it.

  

travel bucket-list: update #3

PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

image credit

Where? North, north, north. A small island in Canada. Near my home island, Newfoundland.
Why? It's the setting of my absolute favorite book/movie. It's the dreamy home of a fictional character whose spunk, imagination, and luster for life helped rear me from childhood into adulthood. Red-headed Anne Shirley captivated my heart once upon a time and settled there, reminding me to lift my chin, to write even when I have nothing to say, to be wild and untamed, and to hold out for my own Gilbert Blythe. I want to see the places that inspired her. Green Gables. White Way Delight. Lake of Shining Waters. The Haunted Woods. I want to stand on the sand dunes and feel the wind whip through my hair. Drink Raspberry Cordial in the warmth of the afternoon. Spread a blanket out on rolling pastures and burry my head in a book. Stand along the shore and peer out at the horizon while counting my blessings. I find a certain solace in that girl with the straw hat and strong will. I trust her. I think it's okay to trust a girl with a freckled face and unwavering belief in kindred spirits…don't you? I think it's okay to dream of stealing away to a place tucked away in the corner of a continent; a place put on the map by an author who saw a story and told it brilliantly and beautifully.

image credit

image credit 

first christmas for mr. & mrs. rothwell

{so late, I know…but life doesn't slow down for a blog…nope}

On Christmas night, as we drove home to the Treehouse after the craziness of all the festivities, Ben reached over and squeezed my hand. Something about this gentle gesture, although normal, caused me to look away from my iPhone and focus on my husband.

"This was the best Christmas I've ever had." He said, his voice quivering just a bit with emotion (shhhh don't tell him I told you).

So what could top last year when he showed up out of nowhere...wearing a suit, walking with confidence across the room, surprising me with a diamond, and telling me he wanted me forever? I mean, that was pretty perfect as far as Christmases go.

This time around, it wasn't a huge life-altering moment. It was a thousand moments stringed together -- like popcorn garland wrapped around a tree. A year later and a wedding later, we welcomed Christmas with new family: his becoming mine and mine becoming his, which naturally meant getting more gifts! But it wasn't the material excess that made the sweetness of the season. It was all the seemingly nothings, that turned into seamless everythings. It was the melodies of christmas songs drifting us to sleep, the quiet mornings when sunlight woke us instead of alarms, the "12 dates of christmas" adventures, the illuminated tree becoming our night-light -- it was the continual counting of gifts filled with grace that made it a truly special holiday.

One noteworthy gift I will never forget was Christmas morning, 7:30am, just the two of us cross-legged on the floor in the living room, straight-up acting like children. Ben presented me with my {material} gifts, but really he was unknowingly giving me so much more than that. First, he wrapped all of them himself. A miracle. Second, he tagged them and wrote a descriptive word that correlated the contents beneath the wrapping paper to his perspective of my character (he is so gracious and generous!)

i.e.

to my organized wife (a planner)
to my stylish wife (cardigans)
to my sweet wife (chocolate!!!!)
to my intelligent wife (a book)
to my dazzling wife (glitzy arm candy)
to my blonde wife (knit headband)
to my cozy wife (slippers & leg warmers)

etc.

It was a small moment between Ben and myself when I read those tags, savoring the words even more than whatever I would find inside. It was a quiet, meek beginning to Christmas morning. Not huge and abundant and extravagant. But it was exactly what put us in the true spirit of giving. The kind of giving that doesn't cost anything. The giving that comes from the heart and not the wallet. It was merely life-giving words. From my husband. Written on DIY gift-tags (for goodness sake, I cut Christmas trees out of paint swatches from Home Depot…totally didn't spend a dime).

The Lord gives in this way. He paid the highest price for us to receive a FREE gift -- the gift of salvation from the bondage of sin, the gift of grace despite our messy selves. Just like Ben did for me, God generously offers us life-giving words that can transform us and help us overcome. These words are found in Galatians 5: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control. These words I will treasure for always. The Lord's gift I will guard in my heart forever. Christmas truly is about that gift -- God himself -- who gave Christmas morning a humble beginning. He left paradise to be with his creation. And he came not as a strong, abled man, but as a baby -- a small, dependent, fragile baby. Birthed so we could experience re-birth.

With reminders like that, I'd say I agree with Ben: this was the best christmas ever. Because I serve a bountiful God who never stops bestowing our lives with richness and joy.

i.e.

christmas 2012: so happy

christmas 2013: even happier

pssst: guest posting

I was privileged to be a contributing writer at His Ladyship, an online community that empowers women everywhere to embrace their inner royalty. Two of the founders are my dear sisters and I'm so honored to join in their mission to see destinies be discovered.

CLICK HERE to read my article about the fiery redheaded princess who made childhood a little sweeter with her spunk, songs, and story.

And while you're there, be sure to check out the entire series entitled, A Return to Fairy Tales!

twenty thirteen

I am proud of the year twenty thirteen. I spent half of it preparing to be married and the other half privileged to be married. I stared change in the face and conquered it. The biggest telltale sign being the former Destiny Morrow replaced with Destiny Rothwell. I started my own (very small) family, exercising strength to leave my (very large) family in order to do so. I got a dream job, kept house, changed my hair, watched tolerated redskins games, folded towers of boxers, walked the foundation of our future home, and endured sharing a bed with someone who clearly never learned how to share a bed. 

Twenty thirteen was good to me. In fact, on New Year's Eve, I woke up feeling hesitant to let it go. It was as if I refused to unclench my fists and open my hands to let more in. What if what's ahead doesn't live up to what we left behind in that beautiful year of bliss?

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”   ~Isaiah 43:18 & 19

our LAST photo from the year we got hitched…peace OUT!

So yes. I may not have control of what comes. So yes. I may not be able to foresee what I will face. But I am confident. And with God, I am courageous. It will be a year of victory, wonder, and significance. He is making the way and because of that, I live with excited expectancy!

twenty thirteen was the year of change.

twenty fourteen is the year to charge forward.

pajama party

Ever since this morning when I opened the front door to a yard full of glistening frost, stacks of leaves outlined in white ice, and Ben aggressively scraping my windshield, I knew it would be the perfect night to make a pot of extra spicy chili, wear flannel PJs, and cuddle up for a christmas movie.

So we did just that. And found ourselves smiling at each other and tickled by our little ability to somehow get our wardrobe choice to coincide with our movie choice.

Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at each other…  ~ The Holiday

rothwell revisions

A few nights ago, Ben announced he got a new album--and that I would love it (reason #98372 why I love him). It was a few hours later that I was reminded just how well he knows me when he loaded the car CD player and hit play. Instant love for track 2.

As Ben & I celebrate our FIRST CHRISTMAS as man & wife, I've figuratively grabbed this song to carry with me throughout the season. The soaring melody serves as my sweet reminder that new is okay. Revision is good. Christmas is magical. And our love wins always.

It's with happiness and a bit of heaviness that I welcome this truly "new Christmas" for Ben & myself. The reoccurring familiar is gone -- the comfort of my childhood home with the heat from the fireplace and the twinkling tree with 27 years of ornaments collected on its branches. The loud voices of children who make long lists of what they want and actually believe the man in red will see to every request. Dad's waffles and Mama's brunch egg casserole. The toy snowman that counts down the days until Christmas. All nighters where we sit on the hard wood floor and wrap gifts, always running out of tape because there are just so. many. presents. to. wrap.

But as newlyweds, it's such fun finding out our brand of Christmas and then capturing those ideals to make our very own rendition of the holidays: the Rothwell Rendition. Like spontaneously going to Walmart for sugar cookies and hot chocolate on the coldest day of the year. Forgoing redbox to instead dig through the $5 movie bin in search of a christmas movie on which we BOTH can agree. Perusing gingerbread houses, trying to decide if we want a village, or just a house. Spending too much on warm holiday drinks at Starbucks. Arguing in Hobby Lobby about colored lights vs. white lights. Rationalizing $60 being worth tickets for Christmas Town at Busch Gardens. Crafting garland bunting and gift tags with scrapbook paper from Target and paint swatches from Home Depot. Planning a fancy dinner date amidst the holiday parties where we can actually dress up for each other and spend a night celebrating together. Building our own meek ornament collection. 

This song says it all. It calms me. It makes me confident. I love my little life with my husband. And I love the holidays, the cold, the newness, and especially the moments that will repeat year after year in what will become known as….

our traditions.

"Snow" 

Sleeping At Last

The branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves

All warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe

Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees

Christmas lights tangle in knots annually

Our families huddle closely 

Betting warm against the cold

But our bruises seem to surface

Like mud beneath the snow

So we sing carols softly, as sweet as we know

A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go

Like young love still waiting under mistletoe

We'll welcome December with tireless hope

Let our bells keep on ringing

Making angels in the snow

May the melody disarm us

When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are

Unconditionally cared for

By those who share our broken hearts

The table is set and our glasses are full

Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole

We'll build new traditions in place of the old

'Cause life without revision will silence our souls

As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high

Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time

Like fresh plates and clean slates, our future is white

New year's resolutions will reset tonight