with you.

I'll remember the way you clung to me as I lifted you from the bath & wrapped you in your towel and snuggled you close and kissed your wrinkly toes.

I'll remember you chubby thighed and close. Always close. Reaching up to touch my hair, rub it between your fingers, and bury your face in it.

I'll remember your head against my chest, your eyes blinking slowly as you fight sleep, your hand absentmindedly stroking my arm.

I'll remember the night you threw up at 6 months old and yet were still so content. And we called our doctor and googled and went to buy pedialyte and listened to my mom's soothing voice.

I'll remember the toughness of your Dad when you had your first fever at 9 months old. He drove to the pharmacy at 1am while also sick as a dog to get you baby Tylenol. Anything for his girl.

I'll remember singing lullabies, rocking, and you singing back to me. I'll remember your hugs and how you'd lean in when we'd say "SQUEEZE."

I'll remember you crawling around while Daddy laid hardwood floors and you'd blink really fast when he used the hammer.

I'll remember coming in your room after naps...your feet pounding the mattress in excitement, your eyes glowing, your checks rosy from sleep.

I'll remember the way your eyebrows shoot up when you get a good bite. You loved eggs yesterday, then wouldn't eat them today, so I dipped some in ketchup, which you ate, but then you decided to suck all the ketchup off and spit out the eggs unthawed.

Honestly, I can't see how I won't live always wanting to be in this moment. With you.

And one day the laundry will be done, the rooms will be tidy, the coffee will be hot, the dinner will be on the table by 6pm, the hair will be washed. And yet I'll miss when you sat on the floor and whined and reached until I came and picked you up. Or the long moments I spend next to your high chair waiting for those tiny four teeth or finish chewing wherein your lips start smacking and palms start hitting the tray and I feed you another bite.

I'll ache that there were ever times I wished away. And I'll bargain that I'd give it all away just to hold you once again to my chest.

God said I need somebody who can shape a soul and find shoes on Sunday mornings and get grass stains out of Levis.And make dinner out of nothing and do it again 79, 678 times, and keep kids off the road and out of the toilet and in clean underwear and mainly alive though she’s mainly losing her mind and will put in an 80 hour week by Wednesday night and just do one more load of laundry.And one more sink of crusted burnt pots.And keep on going another eighty hours because raising generations matters and weaving families matters and tying heart strings matters and these people here in hidden places matter.So God made a mother…-Ann Voskamp

darcie's nursery tour

One of my FAVORITE projects while pregnant was designing Darcie's nursery. When we first bought our home 4 years ago, we planned for the extra bedroom beside the guest room to be an office until we needed it for kiddos. But we never got around to making the office idea happen....so it was perpetually a storage room (FULL of boxes) until I took a pregnancy test and Ben said, "Well, I guess now we have motivation to finally do something with that room!"

 I spent so many weekend mornings cozied up on the couch with my laptop scouring the internet for inspiration, waiting for packages full of pretty things to arrive on the doorstep...and as my bump grew so did my love of carefully curating a special space we'd bring our little girl home to.

This tiny room...a total of 10 feet X 10 feet was a true labor of love. All the details were lovingly chosen to evoke the warm & fuzzies with the most peaceful vibes. As I decorated, I would envision slow mornings spent playing together on the floor, afternoon greetings when a rosy cheeked babe woke up from nap time, and evening cuddles in the rocker with story time. It was all of those things and so much more. I'll never forget when I first brought her into her room. The morning after we got home from the hospital and I woke up to a baby and the feeling of happy happy HAPPY. I took her into the nursery, opened her dresser drawer, selected the inaugural outfit, sat in the chair, cuddled her close, and decided I never, ever wanted to leave. The morning light was just right as it stretched across the floor. My heart was just right as it stretched with more love than I thought possible. My daughter was just right as she stretched and yawned from that newborn slumber. It was in that moment when life seemed to be exactly what I always wanted. And to top it off, just when you think it can't get any better, Ben incidentally brought me a nutella latte and toast on ezekiel bread with strawberry jam...making it seem all too much like a fantasy world!

Such a special, special, special room -- my favorite in the whole house and the only one I always kept clean. It was pretty difficult leaving this beautiful haven just 5 months after finishing it (as our moving process happened rather quickly), but these photos below will always allow me to look back on Darcie's first room, which houses so SO many sweet and challenging memories for me.

My lovely friend Ashley from Luke & Ashley Photography graciously offered to take nursery photos (AND help me pack up my kitchen all in the same day!) Thank you, Ashley, for your part in fulfilling my home tour dreams for my blog! 

So alas, here's her humble beginnings in the tiny square room...

For my baby shower, we had everyone bring books in lieu of cards. This collection is so special to me and I loved putting everyone's favorites on display right next to the chair where we have story time.

*insert s/o to Jane Austen, Canada, and Star Wars*

Ben contributed a lot to this nursery (putting together the crib and other furniture for starters) but my favorite thing he did was build this sweet ladder! So proud of all the hard work he put into making a custom piece we can have forever.

This little pink bear was my first stuffed animal...all the way back from 1989. The little bib says "Baby's First" and I think it's SUCH a sweet, personal touch to Darcie's space. Mixing my life with hers is my favorite.

The "It Is Well" cross-stitching was a surprise gift from a dear friend from high school. I love the touch of green to accent the florals in her room.

MY HAPPY PLACE.

The donut rattle was the FIRST thing we ever bought for our one-day Rothwell Baby. Long before we were pregnant. We found it at a favorite restaurant / shop in Tampa, Florida on one of our many vacations (#rothwellroadtrip). It was just too sweet to pass up...and Ben was super ready for a baby & thought any attempt to get me to buy in to the idea would be worth it. ;)

side note: being a mama is my greatest adventure, calling, and purpose.

Too curious to focus on the story...

Her little toes!!! And her namesake book. <3 p="">

SOURCES:

Glider Rocker: Delta Children // Bookshelves: Amazon // Gold Pouf: Overstock.com // Marquee Sign: Target // Rug: Rugs USA // Lamp: Target // Changing Table: Wayfair // Storage Baskets: Target // Pom Pom Garland: Pottery Barn Kids (sold out) // You're Pretty Print: Lindsay Letters // Mary Jane Shoes: Monkey Feet USA // New York Print: Rifle Paper Co // Wooden Rattles: Bannor Toys // Crib: Babyletto // Crib Sheets: Burts Bees Baby // Macrame Wall Hanger: Home Goods // Changing Pad Cover: Little Unicorn // Blanket Ladder: Custom // Ballerina Throw Pillow: Target // Unicorn Plush Toy: Target // Swaddle Set: Little Unicorn // Play Gym: Hatchling Co

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darcie's birth story

It was Thursday, July 27th, 2017 at 6am when we gathered the last of our things, shut the door, got into the car, took a deep breath, and headed to the hospital. We had cleaned the whole house the day before, made the bed that morning...JUST so that everything would be perfect for our daughter.

We were having a baby.

WE WERE HAVING A BABY. (!!)

I was exactly one week past my due date and because of possible complications with my Crohn's Disease, the doctors thought it was best to go ahead and induce to avoid birthing a bigger baby. And the day had come!

It was still dark outside as we drove. We were quiet, both wondering how the day would unfold, both excited that by the end of it all we would see our daughter's face. When we arrived at the hospital, we were at the height of our emotions...it was really happening! And yet I wasn't in labor so it didn't feel real. As we juggled our bags, one of them ripped, the contents spilling out in the parking lot. Both feeling a little anxious (first time parent syndrome, ha), we started snapping at each other, which led to tears on my part, which led to comforting on Ben's part. It was all a mess...and a blur at this point. Life before Darcie in general feels like a distant dream.

In the maternity ward, I smiled to myself as I filled out paperwork. 07/27/17. A great day to have a baby, I thought. Isn't there supposed to be something significant about the number seven? Probably.

The nurse checking me in asked if I had a birth plan to give her.

"Nope! Just a healthy baby!" I had sat down a few times to "write" a birth plan and just couldn't envision what I'd want in the moment. So I decided just to trust my body, the doctors, and my husband. Let's gooooo.

Once we were settled in our room, my brother, Nicholas, showed up at 7am generously toting delicious Chick-fil-a breakfast (bless his soul). I'm a BIG breakfast eater and pretty much need it to function. Right as we were unwrapping the hot biscuits, the nurse came in and gently reminded me I could only have liquids. Definitely rookie status over here! I asked if I could AT LEAST have my iced coffee and she mischievously smiled, "as long as I don't see you take a sip."

So there I was. Not in labor. Really hungry. Sneaking coffee. Really anxious. And impatiently waiting. It seemed like FOREVER before I was hooked up to pitocin and the ball was rolling.

And roll it did!! Once I had my IV,  I went from feeling hardly anything at all (& enjoying the perks of hospital popsicles) to doubled over in pain, teeth chattering, and announcing to the room that I was going to throw up at any moment. One of my funniest (if labor can ever be funny) memories is of Ben holding my barf bag and panicking at the contents.

"Um, she's throwing up blood." He told the nurse in the most calm yet terrified tone. The nurse barely offered a glance before correcting him matter-of-factly, "that's cherry popsicle." Looking back, I am. so. happy. I. did. not. eat. the. chick-fil-a.

The contractions WERE NOT following any sort of pattern. At first, they were come and go, but then they'd linger for minutes on end. Ben helped me "breathe through the pain" but I kept noticing the contractions weren't subsiding. And then when things would finally calm down, 10 seconds later they would be back in full force. I couldn't catch my breath, kept throwing up, and was only 4 centimeters dialated. I had a LONG way to go and I decided I didn't want to go the whole day this way. My sweet husband kept encouraging me, breathing with me, and squeezing my hand. But AS SOON AS I said to him, "I want the epidural" he didn't waste a breath before announcing to the room: "she wants the epidural...let's go!"

At the beginning of the day they told me that the anesthesiologist would take about 30 minutes to arrive from the time I requested the epidural -- that it would be the worst 30 minutes of my life if I waited too late to make the decision. But everything went so fast from grit-my-teeth bad to puking-shivering-sweating-writhing TERRIBLE that I almost cried thinking about waiting for some person somewhere being my only hope to take me out of my misery. The nurse returned a few moments later with some of the best news all day: "you're in luck! The anesthesiologist was actually a couple floors down and will be here shortly." I remember wanting to demand EXACTLY what shortly meant. How many minutes and excuse me, but is he HURRYING?! It was probably only 10 minutes before he arrived (although it felt like an hour) and I could have hugged him when he walked through the doors. He immediately started giving instruction / explanation that I could never repeat to you now if my life depended on it. This part is all a haze, but I remember honestly wondering how he expected me to get to the edge of the bed when he pointed to where I should sit. There was no way I could move from my fetal position...haha. Ben helped me and then was instructed to sit on a chair in front of me (even though he SOOO wanted a peek). I always thought I'd be super nervous about an epidural, but when the time came, I was welcoming it with OPEN ARMS and after trying to lighten the mood / distract me by saying things like "it's your DESTINY to have a baby today" and tossing in a couple Destiny's Child jokes, the anesthesiologist worked his magic -- and I barely felt a thing.

Afterward, things got much better. My mom arrived and shout out to her because her presence alone helped put me at ease...not to mention the drugs (HA). The afternoon seemed SO LONG as we waited for my labor to continue to progress. Ben held my hand the whole time and even spent time reading me Psalms, which filled me with renewed strength for what was coming later. Around 7pm I got wind that a lot of family had arrived in the waiting room. Ben's brother and sister-in-law had brought me a chicken platter from Pierce's BBQ and I agonized over not being able to eat it. I told Ben a few times to eat it, since he hadn't eaten since breakfast, but he very kindly declined every time saying they brought it for me, bless him.

I'm a bit of a people pleaser and couldn't help but feel the pressure to "perform" set in. Everyone was waiting for the baby...so where was the baby?? What did I need to do to "get things rolling"? How could I speed up the process? My mom calmly informed me that I was on no one's schedule but baby's. I tried to be patient, but I couldn't shake the idea of people hanging around until midnight and slowly dwindling off one by one -- too tired and irritated from wasting their night in the hospital to meet their niece.

I felt very eager, yet still nervous when they checked me and informed me I was 10 centimeters and her head was right there! Nicole, the nurse, told me we were going to do a practice push to see how much I could move the head. And I panicked...this is it!! Wait, don't we need to get the doctor?! Why aren't you getting the doctor?!?!? The nurse gave me instructions, I did my best, and she said, "you're ready to go!" She must have seen my demeanor shift (maybe my face turned white?) and asked, "what are you so nervous about?"

"I just don't want to push for hours and hours. I really don't want to do that."

"Oh, honey...that baby is coming now. You'll push 15 minutes tops."

Ben, who had stayed calm and collected all day, went into panic mode and decided he needed to take on the job of informing everyone of the update. He jumped from his chair and darted across the room to get his phone, "I gotta text the family, I gotta text the family!" I quickly directed him to get his cute tail back over here and let someone else do the communicating. "My mom can text people. Come back here and don't move!"

Seconds later the doctor blew in with his crew, bright lights, and the whole 9 yards. THIS. WAS. IT. The rest was a blur. I pushed about 9 times in 15 minutes and it was the most exhilarating thing in the world (my sister photographer BARELY made it there to take photos of baby's grand entrance). I remember them letting me know her head was out, telling me to keep going, saying I was almost there. I remember Ben holding my hand and holding his breath during every contraction as I pushed. I remember my mom standing next to the bed looking from the doctors back to me and giving me the most heartfelt encouragement. But there's about 3 seconds where things went black  (is this normal?) -- they told me to give one more push and I pushed with all my might then things sounded REALLY far away...and Ben's voice seemed to get closer and closer as he cried over me, "She's here! She's here! You did it! You did it!" over and over and over again. It took me a minute to comprehend what had happened. That I just birthed my daughter. That she was here. That I was DONE. I  began to cry. And couldn't stop. At 8:36pm, they laid a screaming 7lb baby on my chest and I think the world stopped. It was pure magic. She was crying. I was crying. Ben was crying. All he said over and over was how much he loved me. How much he loved her. He leaned his face close to mine, his nose on my nose, and stroked her tiny body, calling her by her name. Darcie James. Suddenly she stopped crying, opened her eyes, and just stared. Her eyes taking in whatever they could. My mom gasped and said, "Destiny, she has your eyes!" My heart exploded. She was actually, seriously, absolutely, definitely MINE!!!!

I had made a worship playlist that'd been playing all day. It was important to me to have the atmosphere just right with music that would help me remain focused and calm. The song playing when she entered the world was "Here Now" by Hillsong United.

Here now
Still my heart
Let Your voice be all I hear now
Fix my eyes on things that I can't see now
Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way
'Cause I know You're in this place

It was spiritual moment. The presence of Jesus marking the moment two became three, the moment our family changed forever, the moment our love grew deeper and stronger than we thought possible, the moment we welcomed the next generation, the moment we extended our hearts to a tiny person who will carry our name and continue our legacy.

Still my heart.
Fix my eyes.
Spirit breathe.
Have Your way.

Soon after I nursed Darcie (also an amazing experience), the room began to fill with people. First my sisters (who kept telling me how proud they were of me), then the rest of the family followed. Someone reminded me of my now cold meal and I nearly cried with joy and hunger. I will forever herald that chicken BBQ sandwich, mac & cheese, and those french fries as the best food I've ever, ever, EVER tasted. The most satisfying meal of my life. Also the most savored meal of my life. It's a joke now about how ridiculously long it took me to eat a normal sized meal...relishing every crumb as people passed around Darcie for the next hour. One of my little brothers had the nerve to ask for a bite and my mom quickly came to my defense: "she hasn't eaten in 15 hours and just did the hardest work of her life." Thanks, mom. I love you for protecting my post-labor fries. You're the greatest.

We somehow scored the largest labor & delivery room in the hospital and it's a good thing because that night we had 30 people crammed in the room to meet our little love. And everyone got to hold her before they left! I know...I'm crazy. But I think I was more overtired than overprotective...exhaustion won out! We were in the hospital anyway...a super safe place for a baby to meet all her extended family, right??? So meet them she did. All while I continued dumping BBQ sauce on my smoked chicken. I told you it made a forever impact (thank you, Breanna & Isaac!) It was really special having both sides of our families there together. The two grandfathers quieted the room and prayed a blessing over Darcie's small, yet already significant life. They prayed boldly over her future, for her to grow in compassion, kindness, and courage. Ben and I prayed many, many prayers over her while she was in the womb so it was fitting to start her life on earth the same way she spent her life inside me.

Our first night as parents was something I'll never forget. We managed to make it until 11:30pm or so and even then...I had to remind myself that I should probably sleep. You don't think to sleep in a hospital...I don't know what it is -- maybe the sterile environment, the feeling like you're just visiting, the tiny human you don't want to take your eyes off of, or the nurses buzzing around like bees, wide awake and peppy. And maybe it's just the aftermath of all the excitement. I had this "what's next?" mentality...adrenaline mixed with awe. I had just accomplished the greatest feat of my life and felt on top of the world, soaring...like I could do anything. Who needs sleep?! Ben not so much. He grabbed some blankets and made himself as comfortable as possible on the small couch. Darcie slept soundly in the hospital crib nestled in the space between the bed and the couch. Unknown to her, she was rightfully taking her place where she'll stay forever -- right between her dad and me...the middle of our world...the center of our love.

The lights were off. The machines were quiet. The family was gone. The excitement was over. The nurses had shut our door. This was us. My family. All together. My dream. Goodnight, rockstar husband. Goodnight, my darling daughter. Goodnight, most perfect day ever.

It was raining that night...it actually rained the whole weekend we were in the hospital. But that night I fell asleep listening to the rain, lingering on every rapid breath of our very own daughter sleeping just an arms reach away who was finally with us and who we would finally get to know & love. I drifted off only to have a nurse come tumbling into the room rolling a cart right up to my bedside to get my vitals AND TAKE BLOOD at 1:30am (is this normal? I think it might have been because they worried I would need a blood transfusion during delivery and were just keeping an eye on my hemoglobin levels...?). Getting stuck with a needle when you're half asleep is about as fun as it sounds. But my bigger concern was disrupting that little newborn slumber. If you wake up my baby, lady...

Darcie did wake up at 3am coughing up fluid, nearly giving me and Ben heart attacks. Rookie parents at it again. Apparently babies swallow fluid during the birthing process that they cough up for a day or so. The curdling gagging sound caused us both to SHOOT up instantly. The moment I twisted to reach for the baby, I became KEENLY aware that my epidural had worn off. SO painful. Ben swiftly picked her upright so she could cough better and then cuddled her close to comfort her. Seeing him with her made my heart melt despite my physical discomfort. In the darkness of that hospital room were the two brightest lights of my life. Ben jumped into full on Dad duty because I could barely move. He changed her diaper -- to which she peed and pooped halfway through. He then spent 10 minutes practicing his best swaddling skills -- to which Darcie kept breaking out of. Whew! She was already testing his patience 8 hours in. HA.

The next two days were blissfully full of flowers, gifts, coffee, and visitors. Whenever people offered to bring food, I happily requested specifically whatever gave me crazy indigestion while pregnant. Buffalo chicken wraps, fruit smoothies, caramel macchiatos, greasy pizza. Hallelujah. We felt so loved and supported...realizing over and over how seriously loved this baby would be. It takes a village and we kept smiling thinking we had the best of the best. My sweet husband was the PRO organizer / communicator / coordinator of our schedule. He made sure people got to meet our daughter while making sure I was recovering well, keeping on a good nursing schedule, and getting time to adjust. I am so grateful for his strength in keeping us all on track always. He attended to my every need. Comforted me and cared for me as I navigated those first few days of motherhood. I knew right away that this was just Ben doing Ben things: serving and loving and balancing and protecting. Darcie will come to know these things well.

We headed home on a Saturday. And felt very emotional leaving the hospital. You go in without a baby and you leave with one. Strangest thing. It feels like you procured the child at the hospital and that's where she belongs, never to be taken from her natural habitat. She's safest there anyway...they're good at taking care of her. They shouldn't really trust 20 something young parents on their own with this highly fragile human being. Our sweet nurse walked us to our car and gave us a hug before we loaded up and headed off to our new reality. Darcie screamed the whole 10 minute drive home while we futively blasted Hillsong lullabies. The most magical moment was when we walked in the door of HOME. Darcie immediately stopped crying, calmly concentrated on my face, and then slowly moved her gaze across the room. This is your home, sweet little love. I cried and cried (Ben didn't know what to do with me)...tears of happiness...completeness...relief...exhaustion.

I DID IT. SHE'S HERE. WE'RE HOME. IT'S THE BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING. 

promises to my daughter in a coffee shop

Dear daughter,

It’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting in a coffee shop thinking of you. I woke up and declared it was the perfect day to treat myself to brunch -- who knows how much longer I will have the luxury of alone time with your soon and imminent arrival! Saturdays will soon look quite different. So I got dressed (no easy feat these days), gawked at how big my bump is, kissed your daddy goodbye, and headed downtown. I wasn't the only one with this idea and therefore had to park a little farther from the cafe than I would have liked, but people keep saying, “walk that baby out” so I shrugged and rolled with it (and almost ate it tripping on a curb). I'll admit to you, I parked in two hour parking three hours ago…but I just can’t bring myself to walk back out in that heat at 39 weeks pregnant. So I'm crossing my fingers that I don’t have a ticket waiting for me. July in Virginia is no joke, you will learn. Pool parties for all your birthdays, deal? Deal.

There are more productive things I could be doing right now with a nursery to finish, closets to organize, errands to run, etc. etc. etc. but I’m told I should “rest” before you come, so I interpret that to mean camping out in a corner booth in a relaxing atmosphere to eat good food, drink an iced latte, and write with no agenda whatsoever. Go me! 

I ordered an avocado omelet with tater tots. The tater tots won me over. I’ve been craving potatoes like crazy while you’ve been growing. I’ve always been a french fry fiend (it will be EXTREMELY difficult to share them with you when the time comes), but it's expanded to the dangerous -- loaded baked potatoes, hash browns, kettle cooked chips, anything! I've heard about strange cravings... like the women who want to eat paint or something. I’ve just had sudden urges for really yummy things... gummy candies or corn dogs or soft pretzels or buttery biscuits or FRUIT. ALL THE FRUIT.

I wonder what foods will be your favorite. Your dad already discusses (with glee) all the blended concoctions he is planning to make you. Your weekly menu will probably be more sophisticated than ours. I wonder if you will love brunch as much as me. If you will request breakfast for dinner or take pride in making and savoring that wonderful morning meal. I can almost imagine your eyes lighting up when your daddy says waffles or donuts are in order. We've been talking about all the weekend traditions we will start. We’re waiting for you to be be a part of all the memories from here on out, which is so exciting for me. It feels like everything is a suspended breath before you show up.

This coffee shop keeps playing the best music. “XO” by John Mayer, “Heartbeats” by Jose Gonzalez, “Here Comes The Sun” by the Beatles, "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Your daddy and I love music. Back when we were dating, we made each other mix CDs full of all our favorite songs and we’d give them to each other to play in our cars nonstop. You won’t know what a CD is…and cars aren’t made with CD players anymore, but don't worry, we’ll be sure you know all the songs we love. I can’t wait to see you bop your head, clap your hands, dance to the beat, and even SING along! Family dance parties will be a common occurrence and I think you've been getting a head start by practicing your moves from the womb. Maybe you've been eavesdropping on what we've been playing. I created a playlist called "For My Daughter" full of soft ballads that I think will serve us both well during nighttime feedings and nap times. You will find I make playlists for everything and I only thought it fitting that you have your very own -- an initiation to the Rothwell Square, if you will. I think you'll like it. I think it will suit you.

One bad thing about being in one place for a long time while pregnant: the amount of times you have to get up to pee, and the people around who definitely begin to notice. As I walk past, they look up from their coffees, glance from my belly to my face and offer up a smile, or the bolder ones will ask my due date and consecutively exclaim, “you can’t be five days away!” I just nod and smile politely because what do you say to that?!

The doctors say you’re a little thing. At one point, you were in the 8th percentile for growth! Will you fit into any of the clothes we have for you? They also say not to worry (or buy preemie clothes) because you will grow fast, which is both a relief and a reminder to truly cherish you in all your newborn deliciousness. You'll change everyday and the days will race by and soon you’ll be wearing makeup and getting your driver’s permit. Okay, okay…I’m getting ahead of myself. One look at the newborn size diapers and I’m put back in place. But even those seem SO SMALL. I can’t imagine a human with a tooshie that little! 

There’s a lot I try to imagine; there’s so much I wonder about you. Yesterday during an ultrasound the technician said she saw little hairs on your head. It’s a good thing because with this heartburn, I’m nearly convinced you’re Rapunzel in there! We wonder if you’ll have dark hair like daddy or light hair like mama. Will you arrive late like I always am? Or will you be reliable, prompt, and predictable like dad? I could sit in this coffee shop all day and dream about you. Downing one choco-nut mocha after another…or maybe not because I’m not supposed to have that much caffeine while you're still in there! I try so hard to understand what it will be like to hold you in my arms, but it's been 39 weeks and 2 days of you and me like this, your tiny frame nestled in mine, that anything else doesn't seem possible. 

We promise to love you. We promise to do our best to anticipate your needs and ease you into the rhythms of our life. We want to share it all with you. We promise not to slow down, but to keep moving forward with a new sidekick for all our adventures. You'll fit right in. Like you were always meant to be there. We promise to let you change us. To let you stretch us and teach us about sacrifice, selflessness, and surrender. Pretty soon my body will no longer be your home and we promise to give you a good new home, a soft place to land, somewhere you'll love and long to be.

Right now, you're a little mystery kept safely under my ribs, but I'll work everyday to learn everything there is to know about you. I'm proud of the way the ligaments in my body have stretched to accommodate you -- my mind and soul with it as I ready myself to be your mother. I promise my patience and I promise you peace. I won't be superwoman and I won't be perfect, but I will be your normal. I will be your comfort. For a time, I will be your sustenance. And I will be perfect for you. 

I promise to breathe through the tough moments in our first weeks together and exhale kisses onto your cheeks a billion times a day. I promise to get stronger, get more comfortable, and get some sleep...eventually...for both our sanities. I promise to ache when you ache and laugh when you laugh. I promise to put you first, to sacrifice so you can flourish. I promise to teach you things -- even the hard things -- when the lessons are hard for you and hard for me -- because we will both get better, and I will learn with you. I promise to stay grateful, to not take you or this gift of motherhood for granted. I promise to love your dad and model the respect he deserves so you will learn to give it too. I promise to be present. I promise to celebrate you well. I promise to grow with you. And when the time comes, I even promise to share my french fries with you.

I love you so much, my daughter.

xoxo,

mom

babymoon bliss

If you know me and Ben, you know we love to travel! We've had the privilege to do this so much throughout our marriage due to Ben's benefits working with Hilton hotels. It's a sweet side gig that can get us hotel stays for such an affordable price! We've always loved the fun of planning our next adventure, mapping it out, making a playlist, finding fun places to explore, documenting everything with #rothwellroadtrip, and getting away from the routine for a few days to just BE and have FUN.

Family vacations were a huge part of my childhood. I have such sweet memories of summer road trips where we entertained ourselves in our 15 passenger van by playing the license plate game and convincing my mom for more snacks (she always had stashes and stashes, but rationed them out so meticulously!) We would stop at rest stops and picnic in the pavilions...the boys would play football, the girls would play with the babies. We'd pass the time and the miles by journaling and reading Anne of Green Gables and listening to our portable CD players. We'd cheer and holler when my parents announced Olive Garden for our dinner break, piling into the restaurant after hours cooped up in the car and my parents would smile apologetically at our servers and tip a little extra for the cranky kids. I still don't know why Olive Garden of all places was such a favorite. Probably because we could eat as much as we wanted with unlimited bread for the boys and salad for the girls. We'd whine when my Dad would insist we were not stopping to pee...again. We'd inevitably fight over someone's feet on our seat or someone drinking the last capri sun. We'd overnight in cities I wanted to live in like Nashville and NYC, my adventurer's heart leaping and soaring as we pointed out landmarks from the windows and walked streets that seemed larger than life to my adolescent soul. I've always dreamed about making similar memories with my future family. And Ben and I look forward to all the adventures to come for our family in our new Ford Explorer -- with our "The Explorers" playlist. Filled with all our favorite music, it will carry us from destination to destination with our precious baby girl in the backseat. Bliss...

But before we plan these trips for three, we decided to prioritize one last hoorah just the two of us...a little babymoon before baby comes to crash join the party! Last summer, we spent a beautiful week in a cabin on the lake in Michigan (courtesy of our very gracious and hospitable honorary parents) and as we talked about babymoon destinations (most tropical places were ruled out because of the zika virus), we knew this little slice of heaven would be the perfect place to relax and reconnect before our world turns upside down in the best of ways.

We kept our pace pretty slow most days, but sprinkled in a few day trips to get out and about. The beautiful cabin we stayed in is nestled right on Hamlin Lake, a quiet lake that's connected to Lake Michigan. We were 5 miles down a dirt road and 30 miles from any real civilization. It was fun to stock up on groceries and make yummy meals between lounging on the dock or cozying up by the fire. The roof of the cabin was lined with large skylights and we'd literally sit in the living room and watch the sun move across the floor all afternoon as we read, talked, drank coffee, and watched sports (haha). Our bedroom was in the loft of the cabin and felt a little like a dreamy treehouse surrounded by the woods and water. The bed was topped with a beautiful homemade quilt (shout out to Mama Judy) that added SUCH charm while the mattress sunk in just a enough where we'd wake up every morning cuddling in the middle of the bed. I won't complain about THAT! We slept in, kept the windows open, and let the lake sounds act as the BEST white noise ever.

For fun, we visited nearby cities for shopping, coffee, and some exploring! We loved strolling main street in Manistee -- a quintessential American street that raves antique shops, book stores, fabric stores, bakeries, ice cream shops, and even an old dime store! The shops sit adjacent to the Manistee Riverwalk that leads right onto the beautiful beach of Lake Michigan where there are parks, picnic pavilions, and a lighthouse! It was too cold to swim, but this is a definite for next time. Best part about swimming in Lake Michigan? NO sharks and NO salt water!

We took another little road trip to Traverse City. Such a cool place with tons of little gems to enjoy....complete with a free wifi network for the whole city. We started with coffee (of course) from BLK / MRKT, a beautiful warehouse coffee shop with lots of windows, greenery, and black & white aesthetic (my love language)...it's also attached to a plant shop where you can build your own terrariums! Afterward, we walked around downtown...and squealed a little at every children's boutique we stumbled across (there were a lot and we had to practice a lot of restraint). We lunched at a YUM comfort food restaurant called Harvest where Ben declared he ate the best chicken sandwich he's ever had (yes, better than chick-fil-a). Originally a food truck, they just opened their new space that has the best atmosphere, local sodas, and a daily changing menu. We loved it...just wish I could experience their weekend brunch. Next time! Another place we highly recommend is a cute espresso bar / bakery / cafe called Morsels. This shop overlooks the West Grand Traverse Bay and offers gorgeous views of the water. It has the most DELICIOUS bite-sized baked goods -- both sweet and savory -- that are the perfect little treat after walking and shopping. The coffee is amazing and the breakfast/lunch menu looks just as good.

It was kind of surreal-- we were just the same old Ben and Destiny -- on just another trip together -- until we'd remember we're not -- and we weren't. At times, it felt so unseen, the impending change, until we'd look at my baby bump and then each other with a "this is it" look in our eyes. The ending to an era...and the start of the best one yet. This season that has lasted 8 years (four dating, four married) is coming to a close and while the flow of the trip felt like any other, the feeling of the trip felt entirely different. There was a special "make the most of it" attitude as we ventured together, stayed up late together, and made no plans together. There was the hope of so much more just weeks away from us that actually made us eager to go home (to nest, hello!). There was a flicker in our spirits as we drove our new "family car" and imagined it being full of coos, cries, and cuteness. There was a definitive "YOLO" feeling as we drove to the water to watch the sun set at 9:32pm, taking our shoes off and putting our toes in the wet sand where the waves crawled back and forth (people say we'll likely be in bed by this time in a year from now).

Our conversations shifted with new flavor and different timbre....parenting, retirement, budgets, strollers. Should we do a diaper subscription? How many bows are too many, I mean really? Will our daughter have brown or blue eyes? When will we allow her to get her first cell phone? Should we set up a trust fund for her?! And so on. We talked while sunbathing on the dock by the water, listening to echoes of children's laughter and squeals floating through the breeze from their nearby cabins, canoes, and boats. I bet this is their favorite place on earth, I thought. I bet all their best memories are here. We'll bring her here, we decided. She'll love this little haven up north where you wade out to giant sand dunes and take a boat across the lake to get pizza from a waterfront dive.

We sat with our feet dangling off the dock, enjoying the coolness of the water, breathing in the quiet, knowing uninterrupted calm and relaxation will soon become rare commodities. Reminded of that sentiment every time speed boats and jet skis sliced through the glass-like surface of the lake, causing wind and ripples to sweep toward us, folding over our ankles with a gentle splash. Things will be so different. Life will be so fast. Stillness will be interrupted by the unexpected "suddenly" like these boats cutting across the water with loud motors announcing their arrival. Zooming past us...the way moments become memories before you're ready and you're left in the foam of the wake, trying to hang on to everything.

In just a few weeks, what's known will be replaced with the unknown, which will eventually become the known again.

And it's too weird and wonderful to figure out.

So we just sat there.

Our hearts resting in the moment with our feet in the water and our dreams somewhere in the clouds.

 

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